one year

Happy Birthday undertheaquasketch.i.ph

******

Nothing more to write, a clear indication that I’m busy.

roaming along small letters

a shade of black and white

“You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past.” - Richard Bach

All the 3rd years in my school are required to take a program called the “Junior Engagement Program” or JEEP.  This program would allow us to experience the work of ordinary blue-collared workers, like bartering for jeepneys, selling sweet corn on the street or being a “xerox lady” in a specific location.  The program is supposed to help us understand the trials that minimum wage workers undergo through just to make their lives easier for their families.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t end there, sure we gain insights and of course want to make our lives better, but it goes deeper sometimes that it actually affects your psychological well-being.

I had the greatest misfortune of the work I have to do in regards to my JEEP.  I am constantly surrounded by workers who, not only hate capitalism, but also take pride in the fact that capitalists need them and they don’t need capitalists (take note of the bold).  I agree with the fact that in order for a business to run, it goes two sides: the investor and the owner who make the business possible, and the workers who help run the business, sure it is a given fact.  But these people surrounding me just can’t get over the fact that they don’t run the business.  They are so hypocritical, accusing me because my parents happen to have a business, accusing my friends because they are well-off, accusing those who happened to be lucky to get into schools and have homes.  They make it a point that their lives are more important than us, I’m sorry, but life itself does not judge whose life is more important.

It is very very annoying because it is all one sided.  I get a very good glimpse from their side, but do they understand the other side?  The biasness of the situation is actually the very reason why in this world, those type of people are the ones who are being supported forever by the society.  Why is it that when they talk, people listen, but when the richer people talk, they are ignored?

For instance, there were farmers who were kept on complaining because the rich got a hold of their land.  They approach big universities like mine and take the “paawa effect” (pity).  They talk and bash the rich people and even the people who happen to be simply well off because they can live their lives.  The students, and the church, having only glimpse at their side of the story, will start to take on their cause.  They would suddenly make petitions and accuse the other side of all the wrong doings.  How about their sides?  The rich don’t simply take their land.  They pay for those.  They give their farmers their well deserved amount of payment for the lands that they buy.  However, these farmers, these workers, often feel that just because they are rich they could get their hands on anything.  But these rich people, they were poor once, they just happened to have a knack for changing their lives.  And also, just because they are rich doesn’t mean they could simply buy and buy and waste all their money and not get the deserved exchange.  These lands were bought, paid with hard earned money, and the others wouldn’t have the decency to accept these facts.

Is it simply that easy?  People think the lives of the rich or the well-off is easier, isn’t it easier if the whole of the country side with you.  Blindness can keep a person from considering all sides of the equation.  Honestly, my family isn’t rich, but we are affected by all the things that are happening because we are in the middle.  It is always us who are affected by these, by these biases, by the blindness.

What really ticked me off in my JEEP insertion earlier was during this dialogue: (originally in Filipino)

Guy: …just because you are all capitalists.

Girl: They are not capitalist, they are students, they couldn’t be capitalists.

Guy: But they would be in the future, that’s the life they are used to.

I mean, COME ON?  Is my life determined by what my life is right now?  It is a clear devaluation of my capabilities as a person.  Am I not allowed to grow?   Being prejudice, I believe, hinders a person from growing.  Simply seeing yourlife sucks would give you a judgement that that is the best I can do.  Only those who are courageous are living.

dimming rays, shining rays.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.  Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.” - Helen Keller

I can probably assure that August is the most tiring month I’ve experienced this year.  I’ve had a lot of downfalls. I’m always tired.  I’ve encountered so many obstacles in this one month than I’ve had in the first three months of the year, given that the first three months were filled with Accounting, papers, election, fatigue.  The good thing though is that, in this single month, I’ve learned a lot about myself that I wouldn’t have learned otherwise if this month was just like the rest.

I learned that when you persevere, people would do anything they can, even against their will, to address your issue at hand.

I learned that insistence will make people finally listen to you, that is if what you are insisting is logical.

I learned that knowledge would only get you as far, determination would get you farther.

I learned that strength is essential for people to admire you.

I learned that I’m better than what I give myself credit for.

I don’t give myself credit enough as a matter of fact.  All I wanted to do was prove myself in all aspects of life.  When I was in elementary, I was the biggest loser.  The batch was divided into two: the lesbians and the not.  A quarter looked like boys, the other quarter dates the ones that look like boys, the next quarter pretends they are cool and the last quarter are the losers because they don’t try to act like expected.  That is how I perceive my elementary life, superficial and dull.  So I got teased quite often because I was quiet.  I got teased because I didn’t try to fit in.  As pathetic as it sound, I got teased because my friends are just like me, leading a very humble and low life.

Even in highschool, even if I got the recognition that I wanted, I still didn’t feel that I belonged.  I love my highschool friends, but everything is about proving yourself.   I wanted to study in this big University in order to prove to everyone else that I can do it.  I did unbelievable things just so that I can prove my worth.  But why do I need to prove myself?  Nonetheless, all my effort seems pointless because there would and would always be someone who would outshine me in every aspect I thought I was able to prove.

However, after this month, I proved myself, even just to myself, that I can do anything I want.

the clown’s mascot

“So I put on my make-up, put a smile on my face.  And if anyone asks me, everything is okay.  I’m laughing cause no one, knows the joke is on me.  Cause I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face, on my face.”

- Smile by Tamia

I would like to rant about how other people treat me.

Sometimes, if not often, I think about what will happen to the world when I die.  I have some thoughts about dying, not suicide so don’t worry.  I have images of myself dead and my soul wanders around the people I know.  I think about how many people would show up at my funeral and what happens next when people are living their lives already, but this time without me.

When we are good at something compared to others, we know it.  We know it but we don’t go around being arrogant about it, it’s just our thoughts and we have this private applause for ourselves right?  Since this is my private thoughts, I would like to share it to my private blog.  I know that I’m a good team member.  I know that I do my tasks very well without people having the need to mention things for me to do.  I know that I have the incentive to do more than what is expected.  All of these, I know about myself because I don’t like being a liability in anything.  I don’t want to be the cause of any delay and inconvience in the lives of other people.  These may all add up to the fact that I don’t want to be perceived as someone undesirable.  It’s my act in order to acknowledge what other people think of me.  But we often say, why should we care about what other people think of ourselves right?  But the truth is, we do care.  We do care if we are a benefit to others or if we harm them.

So, what will happen to the people when I suddenly vanish from their lives?  Will they realize the type of convience I am to them?  That I did things for them to make their lives easier without them acknowledging this?  My thoughts are arrogant, but don’t you just wonder?  Maybe their lives would be easier.  Maybe there isn’t someone who would give them criticisms which would actually annoy them.  It is also possible that they’ll realize that no matter how much they ignore your effects to them, they are affected by whatever decisions you make, even in the smallest of scales.

I am so tired.  I am tired of people ignoring my effort to make their lives easier.  I am tired of people who neglect the smallest of comforts that I try to bring them.   I am tired of volunteering to do this ,to do that because no one else will.  I am tired of being the person people rely on because sometimes, I don’t rely on myself.  I am tired of being silent about my feelings when all I want to do is scream it to the world.  I am tired of making an effort to smile and act pleasant when inside I am miserable.

But, why am I so tired?

time bound

windows to the soul

les femmes du monde.

“There is in every true woman’s heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.”

- Washington Irving, The Sketch Book

Last night, I would not put a book down.  You must know it; it is entitled “A Thousand Splendid Suns” by Khaled Hosseini.  It must be saddest book I’ve ever read.  It had me shedding tears once in a while, it must appear silly if I do it in public.  Nevertheless, when I was reading it last night, late past midnight, I couldn’t find it in my heart to stay aloof when I wanted to cry with the characters.

It is a story of two Afghan women who started their lives filled with hopes and aspirations that were instilled in them while they were growing up.  However, due to the circumstances in the chaos of politics and death, they ended up having to serve the demanding needs of the most excruciating antagonist I have ever met. 

The character of this man in this novel will make any reader angry and desperate to reprimand him, only if he exists.  But I’m sure he does.  He is in every household were the position of men and women differ from each other.  He is the man that would have done everything to prevent the people around him, most of all his wives, to make a living so as to make their lives rely on him.   He is the man from a pre-feminist era where his words are the rules and that being a woman automatically renders you way below his league.  It pains me reading this character, I was in total agony having to read about his life and the way he treats his wives.  But I must add, his character was brilliant.

I think I might have spoiled some plot over there, but anyway, back to the point.  This is a story about how a fantasy can easily be changed by conflict and power hunger.  What is ironic is that after reading this, I had to read an article for school which tackles almost the same theme of domestic violence (this isn’t the main plot of the novel, but it is there).  The article spoke about a woman who wanted to change the treatment towards wives and children in the Philippines.  It was great.  It is nice to hear that a woman is standing up for women.

After reading turmoil then solutions I went to sleep.  It was funny actually, my dream consisted of all those stories colliding with one another, only it was me who was standing up for women and children and the poor and the weak.  It was probably one of the best dream I ever had, it was the fulfillment of my ultimate goal in life.  It is what I’ve always wanted to do, to change the world, and having to dream about actually doing that must be a message, a sign.

ordering a mechanic

darker shade of white