climbing mt. everest

let there be morning

“I can not stumble here.  I am safe inside my head.  When I wake up I’ll forget.  I’ll come back to my mess. ” - Waking Dream by Natalie Walker

I am so depressed lately.  It is as if things are finally out of control, instead of being restricted in the parallel structure I have created.  When one problem is solved, another one arises, almost instantly at the same second.  Why is it like that?  And now at this very moment, I am regretting most of the decisions I have made this year.  Why can’t people just reach a compromise when it is for the common good we are talking about?  Why do powerful people, in a matter of minutes, take away everything you have been working on for the past months?  The answer is this, people are simply selfish.

We no longer have money, and we were displaced.  What next?

I don’t understand now why God is doing this.

I want to go back when times were simpler; when I didn’t have responsibilities and I could really care about the sake of events.  I don’t think I like my life anymore.

I no longer have the strength and will to work hard day and night for one thing and see it stumble before even reaching it.

day in the lives

“The timeless in you is aware of life’s timelessness; and knows that yesterday is but todays’ memory and tomorrow is today’s dream” - Kahlil Gibran

I am fascinated by vampires, even before the Twilight mania came out.

***Sidetrack***

I am the type of person who always strive to find something new.  I am a discoverer, I don’t follow trends, I aim to create trends.  And then when something I like or do is all of a sudden, a mania, where everyone is suddenly aware of these, I tend to no longer like that specific thing.  I loved the book (even though it is a very vivid reflection of contra-feminism, but hey, everyone likes chivalry once in a while) but when they made a movie and people who have band together to like it before watching it, I no longer like it.  That’s just me.  Like my love for emo music, when the term was not spoiled.  All of a sudden, there was a period when people claimed that this band and that band are emo (which is false by the way), I, again, leaned from it and diverted to simple alternative.  You can call it either a good thing or a bad thing.  I just don’t like confirmity, uniformity, trends.  I believe that uniqueness and self-expression are better. 

***End of Sidetrack***

I am talking about vampires now because I am currently reading the book “The Historian” by Elizabeth Kostova.  It’s a simple story that travels in history by trying to prove, discover, the idea that Dracula is still alive, after 400 years; hence, the concept of immortality

If given a choice, I would not want to live forever.  Some people might consider this; those who are so greedy and materialistic that they never want to part with these possessions. If Ine lives forever, there wouldn’t be a sense in living at all, don’t you think so? Goals, dreams and aspirations wouldn’t have a deadline.  One would tend to neglect having certain accomplishments for one’s life because one would have eternity to figure it out.  There would also be no sense of fulfillment because there would be no self set deadlines that one must do.

Plus, wouldn’t it be sad that everyone you know and love has gone on except for you?

Maybe if one desires to live forever, they should be able to do something for the world that the world would remember you by; write a book, cure cancer, create world peace, eliminate poverty.

the whisper of love

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries, it can’t separate people from love.  It can’t take away our memories either.  In the end, life is stronger than death.”

The names Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio were the first two names of famous people that I came to know in my entire life, I was 8 years old.  I was 8 years old and I fell in love with the movie Titanic, like everyone else.  Sure sure, there are a lot of critiques who hate it, or thinks it’s cliché and whateverelse have you, but I love it.  Before the advent of Serendipity, it was my favorite movie of all time.

Today, I watched it for the nth time and I was suprised that during the last hour of the movie, I was crying.  I couldn’t believe that a movie I have encrypted in my head could still possible make me cry.  The impact was so strong that it felt like I was watching it for the first time.  The movie is just incredible.  Forbidden love is sometimes the most romantic love  Although their love was so young and they were so young, they were willing to be together even during the tragedy.  My heart was aching all over.  I want to feel that, so here I am again, ranting about my lack of a love life.

Maybe it’s Jack’s spontaneity, I want that. I’m the most “unspontaneous” person that I know.  I am so tied down with obligations, deadlines and all those crap and responsibilities that I often fail to appreciate each moment of my life.  I’m always moving that sometimes, I would just like life to actually stop so that I can breathe.  Maybe it is my inability to actually show what I feel.  I’m certainly expressive but in actuality, there is still a deep ocean inside me that needs to be released.  It is so hard.

Yesterday, my friends and I were watching movies and they are all about love.  We were four then and two of them have a significant other.  They were all gushy gushy because it is still early in the relationship and that is where the romantic part is.  My other friend and I were quiet because we don’t really know what they feel.  We are both hopeless romantics because we are romantics.  Because of all the books and movies that linger in our brains, there has been a build up of romanticisms and reality does not live up to that.  So it’s sad.

I want to experience all those firsts, the romantic parts.  The first walk under the rain.  The first movie together.  The first dinner.  The first moment of touching hands.  The first cry of joy because of love.  The first letter.  The first chocolate and rose.  The first sharing of ice cream.  The first out-of-town travel.  The first hug.  The first kiss.  All of these would forever be kept in the vault of my memory when (if) they happen.

So now, I’m sitting here, feeling how hard it is.  People might not understand why it’s actually hard, but it is.  The anticipation is difficult.

unassured confidence, wit

chronos’ wheel

“Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith” - Henry Ward Beecher

The other night, the TV was turned on to CNN and no one was actually watching.  I took a glance at the show and it featured a woman who was talking to the people of Iraq and showing us the tragedy of their lives and the goodness that can happen.  She was calling on our attention.  And then I commented, “What she’s doing used to be my dream.”

My father said, “then what happened.”

I’m talking to both my parents at this point, “You discouraged me to take it.”

They both said, “because there is no money in that. Thousands of people graduate every year with Journalism who couldn’t find work.”

And then I said, “I know, I know.”

My mother then answered, “but it is still something you are going to do, right?  You want to help.”

I answered back, “yeah, but not infront of the camera and not just talking about them.”

And then she commented, “Do you even plan to get married?”

Marriage.   Yeah I plan to get married but it is something I try not to think about because when I do, I usually get worried about where to put it.  It might sound like a silly problem, but I can’t see myself not getting married, and I can’t also see myself not doing what I plan to do. The two dreams clash with each other.  One asks me to remain stagnant in one place while the other asks me to roam around continuously.  I’ve already planned out my future, as I’ve said in previous entries, but I always can’t seem to find a spot into where marriage would happen. I’ve already placed a timeline from after graduating college, to small work, to Graduate School, to small work, then to my dream.  Everything is in order.  Once I get to my dream work, where in the world can I place marriage?

It does sound silly come to think of it.  It’s hard to “live for the moment” in this situation because there are deadlines.  I placed them to myself because there is an age limit in all of these.  32.  I must take the Foreign Service Exam before 32, I must be able to get into United Nations before 32.  It’s the age.  But of course, I plan to have achieved all this before 28 because I plan to get married at the age of 28, but is that really possible?

If I get to find someone, would that someone be able to cope with my life?  Would that someone be able to remain patient when I’m gone for long stretches of time.  The clear image that forms in my mind when I see myself achieving all that I want is with someone doing the exact same thing.  Someone who would be selfless enough to dedicate his life into working for others; not consumed with wealth or power.  Someone who would leave the comforts of his home in order to build another a home.  That’s why I don’t want thinking about that half of my future because in the world today, is that really possible?

the bee’s sting

the grin of a grim

samson’s awakening

That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong. - William J.H. Boetcker

I learned something about myself yesterday.

I am the type of person who will meekly turn the other cheek to be slapped.  I usually don’t fight, especially in front of authorities, people who are older and higher than me.  I’m not that good in debates and arguments because I fail to make thoughts form into words, especially if other people are intiimidating.  But of course there are times that I fight back, but not in the way I did yesterday.  Yesterday might be the highlight of my confrontational, self-respect protection life.

I already mentioned the fact about the people in my JEEP insertions; how they are all against me and stuff like that.  Yesterday was my last day of insertion, and I was asked, what did I learn.  I don’t want to go into the details because it would give of some personal data.  However, it was me, alone, 19 years old, against seven 40 something people.  I tried defending myself, defending the neutral point-of-view, giving a clear picture.  It wasn’t academics, it wasn’t work, it was simply a cause.  It felt so good having to show that side of me.  I even saw a sudden image of myself pursuing that

Maybe, when it comes down to it, the need for me to protect what I believe in and to destroy falcities triggers me to act accordingly.  I discovered I have courage to stand up.

a perfect dream, a tragedy

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” -Anna Quindlen

During the start of the semester, in one of the courses I am taking, we were asked to take a certain personality type test that would determine what type of person we are in terms of approaching things, in making decisions and seeing life in general.  About two week ago, we received the results and mine is below.

“I have high internanal standars for correctness, and I expect myself to live up to those standards.  It’s easy for me to see what’s wrong with things as they are and to see how they could be improved.  I may come across to some people as overly critical or demanding perfection, but it’s hard for me to ignore or accept things that ar enot done the right way.  I pride myself on the fact that if I’m responsible for doing something, you can be sure I’ll do it right.  I sometimes have feelings of resentment when people don’t try to do things properly or when people act irresponsibly or unfairly, although I usually try not to show it to them openly.  For me, it is usually work before pleasure, and I suppress my desires as necessary to get the workd done.”

In short, according to the Enneagram Personally Test we took, I’m in the level 1, A Perfectionist.  I was utterly shocked when I found out.  I figured I would be better of in the Challenger category, or the Achiever but not the Perfectionist because I don’t see myself as being a perfectionist, trying to manipulate people in order to get the my vision of a work done.  I don’t even recheck typographical errors, how can I be a perfectionist then?

However, last week, during the special week of my organization in the university, it was pointed out by some people that I am indeed a Perfectionist.  You see, that week was under the Team I handle in the org.  It was under my team and I had big dreams for that week, to make sure that things go out as planned and to see through it that the image I had in my mind was achieved.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t technically my project and I couldn’t do anything about it.  I could only suggest and suggest and give lots of advice for the project to be successful as I wanted it to be.  The whole week was a very mediocre representation of my imagination.

I wanted to cry and take the project off from the hands of the project heads.  I wanted to take charge and make it as I wanted it to be.  I was, I think, already being too bossy to them already, demanding things to be done this way and that way, ignoring probably the fact that they have their own lives too.  During a night session with one of my friends, I was ranting to him all the chaos that the week was turning out to be.  I told him of the tragic that was already happening and said the I think if they did this or did that things would have turned out better.  I was telling him my fear of the culminating night for the entire week, the one that costed so much money that it should be successful.

He then made me see, why am I too concerned with how I would feel about the project, why don’t I just focus all my energy in seeing how the project made other people, especially the children that we cater to, smile.  The point of these projects and such is not for me to see how successful I am or how happy I would be with them but with the fact of knowing that this project actually made other people happy.

Success does not depend on the effect of things for oneself, but on the effect of things for others.

I then realized, I was being selfish the entire time.  I was so cooked up on making things appear exactly out of my imagination that I failed to see that these things we are doing is not actually for us, but for the special people whose hope, even a little, relies on us.

During that night, I tried closing my eyes to all the negative things that were happening (of course I couldn’t because I can perfectly see them) and concentrated on the fact that the kids were smiling, they were enjoying themselves and that even their parents and guardians were having fun.  After seeing those things occur, I enjoyed myself as well.