thorned rose

 ”You can’t play our broken strings.  You can’t feel everything that your heart don’t want to feel.  I can’t tell you something that ain’t real.”  - Broken Strings by James Morrison

In my everlasting effort to make my senior year, my last year of proper and required education, to be the best year of my academic life, I think that I am missing out on some important things, like my friends and even myself.

I don’t know how to feel about this.  I am trying to do a lot of things to make my future brighter, since my grades won’t probably be that spectacular compared to other people’s.  By doing a lot of things, volunteering for this and that, being assured that these things would be displayed in my transcript of records, I might be failing in another important aspect of life, and that is forging everlasting relationships.

However, I really don’t know how to feel.  My friends are there and they are not as busy as I am.  I can’t blame them for wanting to get out once in a while - make that very often - without me because I can’t seem to accomodate them in my schedule.  When I do accomodate them, I would have to suddenly rush things that needed to be done and this one makes me feel worse.

I used to believe my time management skills were at its finest because I’ve never crammed.  Yet I can’t really do everything that I would like.  Maybe if one day is longer?  Or maybe if I just let go of these things that I am doing?

It’s just it, I am so determined to make myself the greatest I can possibly be that I simply hope that people would understand that.

knowledge vs. purpose

“Knowing is not enough, we must apply.  Willing is not enough, we must do.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 I have been having my internship for one week now in Amnesty International here in the Philippines.  I would just like to say that it is not what I expected it to be.  I chose to do my internship in AI because I want to help the society, directly helping the society.  I wanted to be invovled.  What was I expecting when I joined?  I expected social interactions and demographic studies so as that I, along with a team, would be able to create plans and projects that would help the society and the specific sector.  I did not realize that what this organization does is helping the society indirectly, through campaigns and press releases.

Don’t get me wrong, I like what they do.  I like protecting human rights and it is actually important for the society to know what is happening so that they would be aware.  But coming from my perspective and experiences from my organization, it is simply not just awareness.  It is important that there is action.  Maybe campaigns offer people to really act on it, but I think it is better to offer a venue where interaction is possible.  There should be direct interaction so that you can see whether people are really acting upon the knowledge because of the campaigns.

I haven’t been here long enough to say whether or not there is direct involvement going on so I would stop commenting at this moment.

In other news, planning and working stage for my organization next year is under way.  Things are happening so fast that is quite difficult to grasps and take not of things already.

last one

I cannot begin to explain how much I hate being asked to do something…especially after mentioning that I am taking a break after 12 hours of study, and yet be asked to park the car in the garage, and me saying give me 5 minutes, that the insistence is intolerable so you do it anyway.  Then my intention of a 30 minute break evaporated, now I am off to studying for another 6 hours just so I won’t be disturbed.

I can’t wait to graduate and move out so that I can do whatever I want in my own time.

One more year.

bummer

I just finished two decades of my life, and only a handful greeted me.  I’m sorry if I long for attention in that area, but I am only human and I do tend to expect greetings from friends.

Maybe it is just really me who see the importance of a person’s birthday that is why I deliberately ask it and make sure that I am able to greet that person.

best kept secret

 ”Everything’s an act, when you’re pleasing everyone.” -Role of a Lifetime from bare

I watched “bare”, a musical production that centers on the lives of two boys studying at a private Catholic school, and deeply and secretly in love with each other, last Wednesday.

I love the story.  I love the acting.  Most especially, I love the music.  And for some reason, I feel inlove.  And I think I’ve mentioned, or implied, how I like stories of forbidden love.  It’s more romantic that way.  Two people who are not allowed to be together due to different social status, or religion, or family, whateverelse, just because society dictates it, yet they try desperately hard to be together is so romantic.

Last week I learned that every individual has homosexual tendencies, just because of the fact that one can admire the beauty of a fellow.

I know I am not gay, yet I admire the beauty of a fellow woman; it therefore implies that I have a tendency, and so does everyone else.  But thinking about sex inthat context, I quickly think, eww.

***

In another story, about three weeks ago, I became the president of my organization…shocking.  My second year of leading and I hold the top position, Lord please help me.

unfolding the first ballot

dissolving tomorrow

“There are no hopeless situations; there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.” - Clare Boothe Luce

Rarely do I read the newspaper…maybe because I don’t find a point in updating myself with chaos going around the world.  I do know that there is war in Gaza, that the president of Myanmar is imprisoned but that’s it, I would stop there.  I would not want to know the scorching details of a child molested and left for death, nor the massacre of a starving family who was not able to pay their debts.  The media glamorizes such sad stories, print them in newspapers and hope to dear that they get payed.

I used to desire to be a journalist, but sometimes it’s too much.  When is information just too much?  I understand that the media is able to depict real life situations.  People would be able to grasps the reality of life and how it is really hopeless for more than half the population.  But media is not really my topic right now, it is about hopelessness.

Earlier, I was reading an article about a man going home because he was fired from a job, so was his wife.  He and his wife decided that there isn’t any point in living anymore, so he kills his five children, his wife, then himself.  It is disappointing to see that human beings really go that low.  Is life determined by work?  Why didn’t they just go and find another job?  I am in no position to judge since I don’t know how it actually feels, but I am an idealist and it saddens me that in reality, people seem to have their lives determined by their wealth probably.

Did they not have any goal in their life?  Maybe it was their goal to raise a family, sure, but even having been fired, they could still do that.  Can one event deter a person from achieving their goals?  If it is really a sought after goal, a real purpose, would instances and challenges waver a person from pursuing these goals?  I don’t think it should.  However, it could also happen that because of that instance, the goal just suddenly disappeared as well.  Isn’t that the reason why people commit suicide?

Is suicide an action of a person who faces a problem, or have experienced something traumatic?  Or is suicide an action of a person who can’t seem to find meaning and purpose for his/her own life?

Yet, amidst that fact of a sudden lack of purpose, how come starving people in Africa are still able to hope?

I don’t know how I would respond if faced with the same situation.  Now, I have a goal and there are a lot of challenges that blocks my way from getting that goal.  What is all of a sudden, that goal is gone, or that I can’t fight the challenges anymore?  Would I have another goal, or would I simply dissolve tomorrow?

***

I won’t dissolve my goal because I am too much of a coward to do so.  Morals and ethics would prevent me.  But if I don’t have morals and ethics?

melting clocks

 ”Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime, doubly so.” - Douglas Adam

Even though I know I am a total idiot while trying to express my thoughts and writing in English, I still miss writing.

Can you believe that exactly a month ago was Christmas?  I can’t.  It feels so long ago, but it was indeed just a month ago.  A lot of things had happened since then, only a few of which I am happy about, most of them are school requirements that are being done without any emotions.  When I don’t like what I do, there is not passion in the final outcome, there is no “me” in it.  I simply act like a robot just to get the thing done and hopefully get a higher mark.  This is what happens when there are a lot of things to do, and you can’t seem to know how to balance them.

I usually take pride in my anti-cram, time management capabilities, however, it seems impossible at this given rate.  The demands of school had taken a new kind of twist, so sinister that untangling it will take forever.  Usually, there are a few big requirements which needs long periods of time in order to finish.  And then there are a few smaller requirements that needs to be done simultaneously with these big requirements.  The new twist is, there are a lot of big requirements which needs long periods of time and there are a lot of also big requirements that needs to be done simultaneously which needs long periods of time but the teacher things it does not.  Therefore, there is twice as big requirements and half the time.

Anyway, last week, while in the hunt for the perfect OJT or internship, I found a job that loudly yells me.   It is an International NGO which deals with humanitarian action..more specifically action that deals with Human Rights violation, any guesses?

I am also thinking about revealing who I am.  Or just stop writing in theis blog, delete it, and make another one with my real name on it.

It is just so hard to do with all the memories written already.  They are more me, than the me people know.  They are more real than the me I reveal.  Maybe I just don’t want my thoughts and stories to be related to the me that people know.

a free ride, when you already paid

clothes i wore