best kept secret

 ”Everything’s an act, when you’re pleasing everyone.” -Role of a Lifetime from bare

I watched “bare”, a musical production that centers on the lives of two boys studying at a private Catholic school, and deeply and secretly in love with each other, last Wednesday.

I love the story.  I love the acting.  Most especially, I love the music.  And for some reason, I feel inlove.  And I think I’ve mentioned, or implied, how I like stories of forbidden love.  It’s more romantic that way.  Two people who are not allowed to be together due to different social status, or religion, or family, whateverelse, just because society dictates it, yet they try desperately hard to be together is so romantic.

Last week I learned that every individual has homosexual tendencies, just because of the fact that one can admire the beauty of a fellow.

I know I am not gay, yet I admire the beauty of a fellow woman; it therefore implies that I have a tendency, and so does everyone else.  But thinking about sex inthat context, I quickly think, eww.

***

In another story, about three weeks ago, I became the president of my organization…shocking.  My second year of leading and I hold the top position, Lord please help me.

unfolding the first ballot

dissolving tomorrow

“There are no hopeless situations; there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.” - Clare Boothe Luce

Rarely do I read the newspaper…maybe because I don’t find a point in updating myself with chaos going around the world.  I do know that there is war in Gaza, that the president of Myanmar is imprisoned but that’s it, I would stop there.  I would not want to know the scorching details of a child molested and left for death, nor the massacre of a starving family who was not able to pay their debts.  The media glamorizes such sad stories, print them in newspapers and hope to dear that they get payed.

I used to desire to be a journalist, but sometimes it’s too much.  When is information just too much?  I understand that the media is able to depict real life situations.  People would be able to grasps the reality of life and how it is really hopeless for more than half the population.  But media is not really my topic right now, it is about hopelessness.

Earlier, I was reading an article about a man going home because he was fired from a job, so was his wife.  He and his wife decided that there isn’t any point in living anymore, so he kills his five children, his wife, then himself.  It is disappointing to see that human beings really go that low.  Is life determined by work?  Why didn’t they just go and find another job?  I am in no position to judge since I don’t know how it actually feels, but I am an idealist and it saddens me that in reality, people seem to have their lives determined by their wealth probably.

Did they not have any goal in their life?  Maybe it was their goal to raise a family, sure, but even having been fired, they could still do that.  Can one event deter a person from achieving their goals?  If it is really a sought after goal, a real purpose, would instances and challenges waver a person from pursuing these goals?  I don’t think it should.  However, it could also happen that because of that instance, the goal just suddenly disappeared as well.  Isn’t that the reason why people commit suicide?

Is suicide an action of a person who faces a problem, or have experienced something traumatic?  Or is suicide an action of a person who can’t seem to find meaning and purpose for his/her own life?

Yet, amidst that fact of a sudden lack of purpose, how come starving people in Africa are still able to hope?

I don’t know how I would respond if faced with the same situation.  Now, I have a goal and there are a lot of challenges that blocks my way from getting that goal.  What is all of a sudden, that goal is gone, or that I can’t fight the challenges anymore?  Would I have another goal, or would I simply dissolve tomorrow?

***

I won’t dissolve my goal because I am too much of a coward to do so.  Morals and ethics would prevent me.  But if I don’t have morals and ethics?

melting clocks

 ”Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime, doubly so.” - Douglas Adam

Even though I know I am a total idiot while trying to express my thoughts and writing in English, I still miss writing.

Can you believe that exactly a month ago was Christmas?  I can’t.  It feels so long ago, but it was indeed just a month ago.  A lot of things had happened since then, only a few of which I am happy about, most of them are school requirements that are being done without any emotions.  When I don’t like what I do, there is not passion in the final outcome, there is no “me” in it.  I simply act like a robot just to get the thing done and hopefully get a higher mark.  This is what happens when there are a lot of things to do, and you can’t seem to know how to balance them.

I usually take pride in my anti-cram, time management capabilities, however, it seems impossible at this given rate.  The demands of school had taken a new kind of twist, so sinister that untangling it will take forever.  Usually, there are a few big requirements which needs long periods of time in order to finish.  And then there are a few smaller requirements that needs to be done simultaneously with these big requirements.  The new twist is, there are a lot of big requirements which needs long periods of time and there are a lot of also big requirements that needs to be done simultaneously which needs long periods of time but the teacher things it does not.  Therefore, there is twice as big requirements and half the time.

Anyway, last week, while in the hunt for the perfect OJT or internship, I found a job that loudly yells me.   It is an International NGO which deals with humanitarian action..more specifically action that deals with Human Rights violation, any guesses?

I am also thinking about revealing who I am.  Or just stop writing in theis blog, delete it, and make another one with my real name on it.

It is just so hard to do with all the memories written already.  They are more me, than the me people know.  They are more real than the me I reveal.  Maybe I just don’t want my thoughts and stories to be related to the me that people know.

a free ride, when you already paid

clothes i wore

climbing mt. everest

let there be morning

“I can not stumble here.  I am safe inside my head.  When I wake up I’ll forget.  I’ll come back to my mess. ” - Waking Dream by Natalie Walker

I am so depressed lately.  It is as if things are finally out of control, instead of being restricted in the parallel structure I have created.  When one problem is solved, another one arises, almost instantly at the same second.  Why is it like that?  And now at this very moment, I am regretting most of the decisions I have made this year.  Why can’t people just reach a compromise when it is for the common good we are talking about?  Why do powerful people, in a matter of minutes, take away everything you have been working on for the past months?  The answer is this, people are simply selfish.

We no longer have money, and we were displaced.  What next?

I don’t understand now why God is doing this.

I want to go back when times were simpler; when I didn’t have responsibilities and I could really care about the sake of events.  I don’t think I like my life anymore.

I no longer have the strength and will to work hard day and night for one thing and see it stumble before even reaching it.

day in the lives

“The timeless in you is aware of life’s timelessness; and knows that yesterday is but todays’ memory and tomorrow is today’s dream” - Kahlil Gibran

I am fascinated by vampires, even before the Twilight mania came out.

***Sidetrack***

I am the type of person who always strive to find something new.  I am a discoverer, I don’t follow trends, I aim to create trends.  And then when something I like or do is all of a sudden, a mania, where everyone is suddenly aware of these, I tend to no longer like that specific thing.  I loved the book (even though it is a very vivid reflection of contra-feminism, but hey, everyone likes chivalry once in a while) but when they made a movie and people who have band together to like it before watching it, I no longer like it.  That’s just me.  Like my love for emo music, when the term was not spoiled.  All of a sudden, there was a period when people claimed that this band and that band are emo (which is false by the way), I, again, leaned from it and diverted to simple alternative.  You can call it either a good thing or a bad thing.  I just don’t like confirmity, uniformity, trends.  I believe that uniqueness and self-expression are better. 

***End of Sidetrack***

I am talking about vampires now because I am currently reading the book “The Historian” by Elizabeth Kostova.  It’s a simple story that travels in history by trying to prove, discover, the idea that Dracula is still alive, after 400 years; hence, the concept of immortality

If given a choice, I would not want to live forever.  Some people might consider this; those who are so greedy and materialistic that they never want to part with these possessions. If Ine lives forever, there wouldn’t be a sense in living at all, don’t you think so? Goals, dreams and aspirations wouldn’t have a deadline.  One would tend to neglect having certain accomplishments for one’s life because one would have eternity to figure it out.  There would also be no sense of fulfillment because there would be no self set deadlines that one must do.

Plus, wouldn’t it be sad that everyone you know and love has gone on except for you?

Maybe if one desires to live forever, they should be able to do something for the world that the world would remember you by; write a book, cure cancer, create world peace, eliminate poverty.

the whisper of love

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries, it can’t separate people from love.  It can’t take away our memories either.  In the end, life is stronger than death.”

The names Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio were the first two names of famous people that I came to know in my entire life, I was 8 years old.  I was 8 years old and I fell in love with the movie Titanic, like everyone else.  Sure sure, there are a lot of critiques who hate it, or thinks it’s cliché and whateverelse have you, but I love it.  Before the advent of Serendipity, it was my favorite movie of all time.

Today, I watched it for the nth time and I was suprised that during the last hour of the movie, I was crying.  I couldn’t believe that a movie I have encrypted in my head could still possible make me cry.  The impact was so strong that it felt like I was watching it for the first time.  The movie is just incredible.  Forbidden love is sometimes the most romantic love  Although their love was so young and they were so young, they were willing to be together even during the tragedy.  My heart was aching all over.  I want to feel that, so here I am again, ranting about my lack of a love life.

Maybe it’s Jack’s spontaneity, I want that. I’m the most “unspontaneous” person that I know.  I am so tied down with obligations, deadlines and all those crap and responsibilities that I often fail to appreciate each moment of my life.  I’m always moving that sometimes, I would just like life to actually stop so that I can breathe.  Maybe it is my inability to actually show what I feel.  I’m certainly expressive but in actuality, there is still a deep ocean inside me that needs to be released.  It is so hard.

Yesterday, my friends and I were watching movies and they are all about love.  We were four then and two of them have a significant other.  They were all gushy gushy because it is still early in the relationship and that is where the romantic part is.  My other friend and I were quiet because we don’t really know what they feel.  We are both hopeless romantics because we are romantics.  Because of all the books and movies that linger in our brains, there has been a build up of romanticisms and reality does not live up to that.  So it’s sad.

I want to experience all those firsts, the romantic parts.  The first walk under the rain.  The first movie together.  The first dinner.  The first moment of touching hands.  The first cry of joy because of love.  The first letter.  The first chocolate and rose.  The first sharing of ice cream.  The first out-of-town travel.  The first hug.  The first kiss.  All of these would forever be kept in the vault of my memory when (if) they happen.

So now, I’m sitting here, feeling how hard it is.  People might not understand why it’s actually hard, but it is.  The anticipation is difficult.