real or not?

“We can’t be lost, we don’t know where we’re going” - Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls)

If I had to list down everything I love in the world, one item would probably be “quick, witty remarks”.  I’ve seen the commercials when it was still on air.  It is a story of a single mother and her daughter, both of which are “quick and witty”.  It is filled with music, books and movies, which probably surround my life.  Travel is also present when Lorelai and Rory went in a European Backpacking escapade.  It’s humurous, it’s simple, it’s a show that would appeal to my sense and personality, which all makes me wonder, why didn’t I watch it before?

I’m currently in the fourth season, when Rory is going to college at Yale University.  Her experiences in her first year, or as a student in general, is making me reminisce of my 18 years of being a student, and more appropriately, my last 4 years which is college.  I’m still in college, but on March 26, all of it would change.  College is the best years of my academic, even non-academic, life.  I’m not sure if it is the school, if it is the crowd, or simply because of the fact that it is college.  It is here that I am experiencing a sense of independence, a sense of realism, yet a complete set of idealism that would be bringing me to my future career.

Upon entry to college, I had all of this imagination of how it would be.  I imagined big, auditorium-like classrooms (well we have a couple of this), professors in preppy clothes, and even students being all academic and snotty.  College, my experience, is not like that at all.  The big, auditiorium-like classrooms are only used on special discussions, professors wear football jerseys to show their fandom and students are all weird and high.  The best thing to say is that, my college imagination was shattered after my 1st semester.

However, the learnings I’ve acquired, and still am acquiring, is more than I expected.  My learnings are non-academic.  Things that I learned are those that are preparing me for the future life, “in the real world”.  It’s about talking with people, doing transactions, arranging stuffs, understanding politics, how the world goes, and so forth.  College is my real world already, it’s not the entire real world, but it is a real world.

unassured confidence, wit

the grin of a grim

written on stone

There are really those people whom you’ll never get along no matter how you try.  There might be times that you feel that you successful broke the barrier and could finally relate well with the person, however, it’s so ephemeral that you don’t know what has gone wrong.  I met her 2 years ago, I thought I will go along very great with her, but no.  I do the best I can, invited her to a sold out concert, brought her to a patron seat of our school versus its archrival game, during the finals!  During those moments, you feel that whatever wall is separating you two from understanding each other is broken.  Unknown to you, it will never be broken.  She is just one of the few person whom everyone else gets along just fine with except you.  Maybe it’s her problem not yours.  I don’t know whom to tell this to, my friends are her friends as well.

She is the type of person who will try to make you feel pity for her instead of for yourself.  For instance, you both came from a difficult test, you feel sad about it, but she will say that her set seemed harder, so you feel ashamed of feeling sad about yourself, her wanting you to change your pity to.  It isn’t nice.  She is also the type of person who feels that everything she says is right so you’ll just shut up and let her have her pseudo glory. 

leaping the year

The month is about to end yet again, if this isn’t leap year, tomorrow is March.  I still have one whole month to go before I can officially call it quits for the school year.  And then, two weeks later, I’ll study again for my third year. Hmm, third year.  What have I heard?  The only exciting part of entering third year is that there are only one group of people older then us, the seniors.  However, this idea won’t last very long and it might really suck being in the junior year.

I’m so tired, I’m draining.  My energy is all given to school and I don’t have any social life.  What’s my social life?  Zero, nothing, nada, rien.  Come to think of it, if I do have a social life, who would I spend it with?  Who are my socials?  Wouldn’t they be the same people I work with in school?  So there is clearly no difference because it would still be us and talking about school.

No matter, the moment I graduate, it would be me and Europe, IF I get the scholarship I’m aiming for. How stable are my dreams for the future?  Remember when I said that I would have my fortune told?  Well I did. And the fortune-teller just assured me that I will get what I want.  It’s vague actually.  What do I really need?  I know what I really really want right now, but it isn’t the same as what I need and how other people would be affected by my decisions.  Would it be okay if I just did what I want?

the reduced credentials

I took a risk, as I said before, and it paid off, I’m very glad to say!

Anyway, my life’s been a roller coaster this past few weeks.  I can’t sleep at night even though I have lots of time to do so.  I spend my nights lying on my bed for about three hours before the sandman descends on me.  Maybe I feel very worried about something that haven’t come out yet.  Maybe it’s some sort of premonition that I would sooner or later face.  Whatever it is though, it is quite troublesome.  I’m scared shitless.

I might fail this semester, a subject or two.  Hopefully though, not.  I was in my highest point of college life last semester, this semester made last semester look like a fluke.  I hope last semester wasn’t a fluke, I really did my best.  I’m still doing pretty good, but it is as if all my effort had been blocked now and that I’m not really doing my best to stay on top of my game.  Yes, I ran for council and that I’ve been learning things that I’ve never known before like jeepneys not having hand breaks (see, I listen in class) but it is not paying off! I’ve been an air head this few days, since the start of 2008.  My focus is loose.  My mind keeps on travelling to places unknown and I stare idle for long periods of time.  What is wrong with me?  Am I giving up?  Gosh, I hope not.  I still have two years to go before I graduate.  I still have hopes and dreams to fulfill while I’m in school.  I wish my idle moments would go away and I should make myself more productive than ever.  The feeling is really hard to describe.  It is as if time just flies by, and although I manage to do everything asked of me, I do the most mediocre job, as if just to get the work done.

I’m going to work really hard now.  I’ve got to get my momentum going and my focus clear.  Everyday should be worth taking note of.  Every moment makes me older and every circumstance I learn a lesson. I mean come on, I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t work just to be able to go to school, I don’t have anymore responsibilities than being the eldest sibling and being a student, why am I so caught up then??

the pied piper

My life had been pretty normal.  I usually opt to become the member and I could be the best at it.  Sometimes, I’m the leader when I feel that things are getting out of control.  But I prefer being the follower because it is something I know I’m very good at.  I’m always on time, I do my work properly and my leader would be assured that the things he/she have me do will be done properly.  That is why I don’t know what got into me that right now I decided to run for candidacy in my college organization.  Even so, I’m planning to be a Vice-President in one of the organization’s subsidiary.  What prompted me to do it?  And I will win, I really want to win.

During my highschool life, I was, literally, nobody.  I was part of organizations then because it was required and somehow I’m known by most of my classmates, but still, I was nobody.  I was always the follower.  I never took control.  I never even became an Outstanding Student or simply a class officer, even the mere job of the Officer-of-the-Day.  Highschool didn’t even need class officers because you know that the class will still run and nothing will prevent the class from existing.  This isn’t even a niche similar to college organizations.  An organization is simply a small community which you really need to RUN.  There should be someone in command so that things will work out, so that the Vision-Mission of the organization will be practiced.  It needs maintenance and mere students are the ones who are handling it.  And out of sheer twilight or something, I decided to run for candidacy and be part of the council who keeps the organization in existence.

Highschool would have been a great deal easier.  I have no prior experience, no leadership credentials, but I know I’ll be able to do it.  What prompted me?  Destiny.

throwing rocks

I'm currently feeling the hardest semester yet in college.  Last semester was the easiest, no doubt, I should have been a DL, but this semester is too tough that I'll be lucky enough to get a QPI of a mere 2.5. That's an average of C+ for all the subjects.  I'm not even enjoying myself anymore, like the way I enjoyed the things that were happening in the first semester.  It is so frustrating really, and sometimes, I would really just like to drop everything, walk away and never come back.  But this decision is a decision of a weakling, which I hope I'm not.  My battle is my battle and even though I don't know what the long term effect these trials would do for me, I'm doing them anyway.

It's classless.  It is a weekend night, instead of going out or merely just relaxing in the comforts of my room, I'm writing notes for a research paper.  Every hour counts for me now.  I've even set my schedule from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep, as if everything is in pattern.  It is working out alright but I feel that it is not worth it anymore.

The world is coinciding against me, I feel it, and the only thing I wanted to do after I graduate is travel the world and at the same time help everyone I come across with.   And this stress I'm feeling is really not worth it.  When your boyfriend makes you tired, he is not worth it, right?  This just doesn't make me tired, it kills me.

summer blunders

Why am I writing about summer in the middle of a cold season?  Because I don't have that much money.

I tried conditioning and reasoning with myself that I didn't need to be with them because I'll be taking a Minor and I've got full-load until I graduate and I study all year round, but I still can't hide the fact that I want to go.  I want to go to the Summer Tour Program, to France, to leave and study with them and master the French language.  It would be very fun to be a teenager, exploring France, learning from there and earning a belt degree higher than other graduates because of the credentials of havig studied abroad.  All my friends are going, their parents will give them money.  I won't, because I don't want to be the "brat who asks lots of things" and be given 300,000 pesos to live in France for a month while they themselves have never stepped a foot in Europe.   It would be very selfish of me, so I look at the bright side: when we all graduate, at least I have two minors to go with my Bachelor's degree than one which would they have.  Plus, I plan to travel the world with my money with the career I plan to make with my degrees. 

All too idealistic?  Well yeah, but then again, idealism is the only reason why people still try to live.  People are idealistic about love and romance, about hope and faith, about money and careers.  Idealism is the reason I'm taking my course because I don't want to be like all the other people who go take Nursing even though they don't like it because of the realism of life.  I might die poor, living my life and idealisms, doing the things I love, than die rich, wasting my life trying to make money and doing the things I hate.

cold facts

I would probably crawl very slowly, but I'll crawl no matter what. 

This semester would probably be the most difficult semester so far.  I have a bunch of research papers for each subject and I have six subjects.  It might not seem much, six, but then I'm in college and college is a whole new world.

Has it ever happened to you that when a project is given, you would do every means possible to get a high great, legal means.  You do things in advance, crawl, work dead tired but then again, some other person who would cram the whole project the night before would have a higher grade than you and would become a Dean's Lister.  It is an annoying piece of trivia in the realities of life.  I work my ass out and I would still be the only one in my group of friends who won't be in the DL.  They all cram their paper and stay sleep deprived and act like they don't understand a thing about the course but in the end, their grades would always be higher than mine.  All I can say is, screw this.