best kept secret

 ”Everything’s an act, when you’re pleasing everyone.” -Role of a Lifetime from bare

I watched “bare”, a musical production that centers on the lives of two boys studying at a private Catholic school, and deeply and secretly in love with each other, last Wednesday.

I love the story.  I love the acting.  Most especially, I love the music.  And for some reason, I feel inlove.  And I think I’ve mentioned, or implied, how I like stories of forbidden love.  It’s more romantic that way.  Two people who are not allowed to be together due to different social status, or religion, or family, whateverelse, just because society dictates it, yet they try desperately hard to be together is so romantic.

Last week I learned that every individual has homosexual tendencies, just because of the fact that one can admire the beauty of a fellow.

I know I am not gay, yet I admire the beauty of a fellow woman; it therefore implies that I have a tendency, and so does everyone else.  But thinking about sex inthat context, I quickly think, eww.

***

In another story, about three weeks ago, I became the president of my organization…shocking.  My second year of leading and I hold the top position, Lord please help me.

the whisper of love

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries, it can’t separate people from love.  It can’t take away our memories either.  In the end, life is stronger than death.”

The names Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio were the first two names of famous people that I came to know in my entire life, I was 8 years old.  I was 8 years old and I fell in love with the movie Titanic, like everyone else.  Sure sure, there are a lot of critiques who hate it, or thinks it’s cliché and whateverelse have you, but I love it.  Before the advent of Serendipity, it was my favorite movie of all time.

Today, I watched it for the nth time and I was suprised that during the last hour of the movie, I was crying.  I couldn’t believe that a movie I have encrypted in my head could still possible make me cry.  The impact was so strong that it felt like I was watching it for the first time.  The movie is just incredible.  Forbidden love is sometimes the most romantic love  Although their love was so young and they were so young, they were willing to be together even during the tragedy.  My heart was aching all over.  I want to feel that, so here I am again, ranting about my lack of a love life.

Maybe it’s Jack’s spontaneity, I want that. I’m the most “unspontaneous” person that I know.  I am so tied down with obligations, deadlines and all those crap and responsibilities that I often fail to appreciate each moment of my life.  I’m always moving that sometimes, I would just like life to actually stop so that I can breathe.  Maybe it is my inability to actually show what I feel.  I’m certainly expressive but in actuality, there is still a deep ocean inside me that needs to be released.  It is so hard.

Yesterday, my friends and I were watching movies and they are all about love.  We were four then and two of them have a significant other.  They were all gushy gushy because it is still early in the relationship and that is where the romantic part is.  My other friend and I were quiet because we don’t really know what they feel.  We are both hopeless romantics because we are romantics.  Because of all the books and movies that linger in our brains, there has been a build up of romanticisms and reality does not live up to that.  So it’s sad.

I want to experience all those firsts, the romantic parts.  The first walk under the rain.  The first movie together.  The first dinner.  The first moment of touching hands.  The first cry of joy because of love.  The first letter.  The first chocolate and rose.  The first sharing of ice cream.  The first out-of-town travel.  The first hug.  The first kiss.  All of these would forever be kept in the vault of my memory when (if) they happen.

So now, I’m sitting here, feeling how hard it is.  People might not understand why it’s actually hard, but it is.  The anticipation is difficult.

cupid’s bent arrow

There came a time when I became very interested in reading the newspapers,  I read the front page, the sports section and the entertainment section, entirely.  I broke the habit though, unfortunate as it is, because I grew tired of it since everything seems to just repeat and repeat.  However, yesterday, I happened to just scan around the newspaper when I stumbled upon an interesting article in the PDI.  The article is about this Modern Day Romance that commenced because of the photography site, Flickr.

Who defines a Modern Day Romance?  What makes it different than before? Is it because women are no longer actually damsels in distress?  Modern Day because it diverts from the traditional way of Romance: the courting, the chivalrous, and the class?  Maybe that is so, but I do believe, if given the same idea of choice, the old type of romance and the  modern day romance would still probably elicit the same feeling of love from its participants.

Back to the article, I was actually very touched by it.  Two people who have similar interest in photography and thousands of miles away from each other (the lady is from Britain while the man is from the US), fell in love with each others photography at the exact same time.  It is so serendipitous.  The lady was just being shown a photography made by the man and fell in love with how it was made that she immediately wanted to send a message to the man.  At the same moment, the man just happened to stumble upon the lady’s account and decided to comment on her work.  Ever since then they have been in touch with one another, soon falling in love.  He visited her on her home town where their love for one another was confirmed and strengthen.  But reality sets in eventually and he has to continue on living his life.

They wanted to maintain the relationship, a classic case of a long distance relationship.  This situation leads me to wonder, is it really possible to fall in love with someone you just met in the internet?  Scary, isn’t it?  You don’t really know the person, what if all that he/she has been feeding you are based on lies?  The abovementioned couple still took the risk and ended up actually happy and honest with each other, which leads me to another question, is it possible to maintain a long distance relationship?  Would everything about it just remain ephemeral because both of you know that it is difficult to actually feel like part of someone’s life when that someone is not really, physically, present in yours.  Sure there is this old saying, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” But, should we actually believe all proverbs?

My idealistic side is prevailing, continuously saying that everything is possible when one puts one’s heart on it.  That would have been my answer.  However, my realistic side (which is slowly creeping its way in my system, mind you), says that fantasies are just that, stories of the mind that can happen, but would not really flourish.

yet to know image

There was a time that I was obsessed with Harry Potter and because of it, I read fanfiction.  Don’t worry, I used to read those clean ones, not the ones that made no sense and sincerely had a desire to match two people for that. So anyway, I was always fond of  fanfictions that depict a Hermione and Draco pairing.  I don’t know why, but it was an obsession as well.  Maybe it was due to the fact that it will never happen.  Or due to the fact that not once was it mentioned in the book that either of them looked good.  Or maybe due to the fact that I somewhat like “bad boys” who are not really bad once you talk to them and that they’ll protect you from all the other scumbags of the world.

That was 4 years ago, however, these days, I started reading this Hermione/Draco fanfiction again.  I don’t know why, again.  It just occured to me to just do so.   And then suddenly I feel myself beginning to be solemn and quite around people, well, these days.  Maybe it was just PMS or something, I don’t know. But when I am alone, I feel rather sad.  It was the effect of these fanfiction, I’m certain of it.

Earlier I was driving to school, it was so gloomy, my radio was playing sad songs and I couldn’t concentrate on the road.  All I could think about is how would it feel to be loved, well, I know how, but what I wanted to know how is to be loved like that.   Again, I’m blabbing about this issue, like I’ve blabbed before over and over again.  And in some retrospect, I want my love to be somewhat (take note of the word) forbidden.  Well, because of the fact that it’s forbidden and you still love each other makes it more dramatic in a sense because you are breaking rules.  And please don’t have a dirty mind when I say forbidden.

Damn it, I need a boyfriend. 

my favorite song

Amidst that exam week chaos, I wanted to share my favorite song of all time: Kill by Jimmy Eat World.  This song has a special place in my heart even though the lyrics is heartbroken as it is.  Along with the music, this song is almost a serenade that could really really tear your heart along the middle.  Try downloading it.

Kill by Jimmy Eat World 

Well, you’re just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I’m nervous still
I’ve always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes ’round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can’t walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I’d go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heath Meizer song goes
It’s just like being alone

Oh God, please don’t tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I’ve done means (means)
You kill me, you’ve got some nerve, but can’t face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can’t turn away

So go on love
Leave while there’s still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There’s so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can’t help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can’t help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can’t just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can’t walk away 

***** 

Everytime I hear this song, I want to cry even though I’m not affected, but look at the lyrics.  Each chorus is a different philosophy.   I particularly like the bridge part especially when he sang "I loved you, and I should have said it, but tell me just what has it ever meant."  Really now.  I can’t symphatize with the pain but since I’m a romantic, I could still feel the emotion running in that very part of the song.  The song is simply about a person who loves someone whom he/she knows would never be his/her.  It is lost love, unrequited.  Will I experience this?  Gosh I hope not.  I don’t know if I could bear loving someone, doing everything for him and in the end, he will never love me just as much.  It is a sad fact, it happens.  But the part where he sang "I can’t help it baby, this is who I am." is a sign of strength for the lover.  It is like acceptance that "really nothing would happen between us but I am not going to change to someone who I am not just to get you."  So even though the song is tragic, glimpses of strength is always a sign of hope.

an ironic reaction

I saw them walking, softly ignoring each other, to an outsider, they are strangers.  I avoided looking at them, staring at them as if I’m a subtle spectator.  And then the guy hastly approach her, as if she would disappear if they get too far away from each other.  He then placed one arm around her shoulders while they continued to walking.  Oblivious to everyone around them, he kissed her along the jaw, a peck, not worth-noticing, I noticed it nonetheless.  Why?  I’m so dramatic.  They are actions, when read in a book, brings shivers down your spine, enacting your hormones.  In real life, it doesn’t seem as wonderful, but when I observed them, it touched me what he did.  I want one, I begin to feel envious of them.  I’m not really like this, I usually ignore couples walking around.  But really really, I want one! Haha, doesn’t seem right though, because I know for myself that I won’t have one while I’m studying.  I might even be the one who walk away.  I might grow scared of the thought and turn around even before it starts.  However, it felt "kilig" when I watched them.  Why oh why do I have this no boyfriend till I graduate commitment with myself?  Who would even care then I?  They passed by fast, I didn’t get a chance to see what she did.

I’m tired, I’m tired of everything.  I’m tired of giving a 101% effort when it doesn’t pay off.  I’m tired of constantly trying to prove to everyone around me that I’m just as good as them, maybe better.  I’m tired of fighting for my dreams when people around me don’t understand why I have such dreams.  I’m tired of faking a smile when they don’t bother to give me one back.  I’m tired of pretending I’m not tired when deep inside, I’m really exhausted.

love story

Have you watched the movie "Love Story", a 1970 film with the obvious topic, love?

It is a typical love story, but no matter how used the situation is, the story is still astonishing and could still make a person, especially me, shed a tear or two.  I was so sad after watching the movie.  You wouldn’t need spoilers because the very first sentence said in the story is "What would you say about a twenty-five years old who just died?" or something like that.  The novel has the exact same first sentence.  The guy is a rich jock who meets a poor smart girl, isn’t it typical then?  Then of course, the girl dies.

Happily, even though the film wasn’t really straight from the book, of all the films and books I’ve watched and read, this is the most loyal to the book.  Why?  Because the book and the film was made at the exact same year.

Both are easy to comprehend and the plot is very very simple.  It shows the struggle the two characters experience from family, poverty and sickness.  Amidst all the complications that they experience, they would always find assurance and of course, love, with each other.  What title then could possibly be better than "Love Story"?

As I said earlier, I was too sad after watching the movie.  I was watching the movie yesterday, Saturday afternoon, and alone.  I wasn’t sad because the female lead died, it is part of the sympathy you can give the characters, I was actually sad because, it is fictional.  It is here then that I rant about love and the absurdity that comes with it.  I’m too young to actually look for love.  I’m too busy for school, family and friends to bother with another crisis in my life.  But then, wouldn’t you always wish that someone perfect is out there?  Could this be just the effect of reading and watching too many romance storyline that I wish for the unrealistic?

About 4 years ago, I wished upon the stars a sign to meet the perfect person for me.  The sign is that the man destined to be for me will sing, dedicate or play this beloved song (that of course I wouldn’t mention) for me and when that certain person sing, dedicate or play this song, I would know that he is my soulmate, a match made from heaven, my destiny and my fate. 

Really, it is absurd.  I got the idea from the movie "Practical Magic" where Sandra Bullock’s character, a witch, made an incantation when she was young that a certain man whom she would love and marry would not die because she is a witch.  Every witches’ husband dies because the man is not of magic, but then a certain man for her wouldn’t.  She made a sign that the man would bear green and blue eyes and so forth which in the end she met and ended up loving.

Can that be true for me?