chronos’ wheel

“Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith” - Henry Ward Beecher

The other night, the TV was turned on to CNN and no one was actually watching.  I took a glance at the show and it featured a woman who was talking to the people of Iraq and showing us the tragedy of their lives and the goodness that can happen.  She was calling on our attention.  And then I commented, “What she’s doing used to be my dream.”

My father said, “then what happened.”

I’m talking to both my parents at this point, “You discouraged me to take it.”

They both said, “because there is no money in that. Thousands of people graduate every year with Journalism who couldn’t find work.”

And then I said, “I know, I know.”

My mother then answered, “but it is still something you are going to do, right?  You want to help.”

I answered back, “yeah, but not infront of the camera and not just talking about them.”

And then she commented, “Do you even plan to get married?”

Marriage.   Yeah I plan to get married but it is something I try not to think about because when I do, I usually get worried about where to put it.  It might sound like a silly problem, but I can’t see myself not getting married, and I can’t also see myself not doing what I plan to do. The two dreams clash with each other.  One asks me to remain stagnant in one place while the other asks me to roam around continuously.  I’ve already planned out my future, as I’ve said in previous entries, but I always can’t seem to find a spot into where marriage would happen. I’ve already placed a timeline from after graduating college, to small work, to Graduate School, to small work, then to my dream.  Everything is in order.  Once I get to my dream work, where in the world can I place marriage?

It does sound silly come to think of it.  It’s hard to “live for the moment” in this situation because there are deadlines.  I placed them to myself because there is an age limit in all of these.  32.  I must take the Foreign Service Exam before 32, I must be able to get into United Nations before 32.  It’s the age.  But of course, I plan to have achieved all this before 28 because I plan to get married at the age of 28, but is that really possible?

If I get to find someone, would that someone be able to cope with my life?  Would that someone be able to remain patient when I’m gone for long stretches of time.  The clear image that forms in my mind when I see myself achieving all that I want is with someone doing the exact same thing.  Someone who would be selfless enough to dedicate his life into working for others; not consumed with wealth or power.  Someone who would leave the comforts of his home in order to build another a home.  That’s why I don’t want thinking about that half of my future because in the world today, is that really possible?

samson’s awakening

That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong. - William J.H. Boetcker

I learned something about myself yesterday.

I am the type of person who will meekly turn the other cheek to be slapped.  I usually don’t fight, especially in front of authorities, people who are older and higher than me.  I’m not that good in debates and arguments because I fail to make thoughts form into words, especially if other people are intiimidating.  But of course there are times that I fight back, but not in the way I did yesterday.  Yesterday might be the highlight of my confrontational, self-respect protection life.

I already mentioned the fact about the people in my JEEP insertions; how they are all against me and stuff like that.  Yesterday was my last day of insertion, and I was asked, what did I learn.  I don’t want to go into the details because it would give of some personal data.  However, it was me, alone, 19 years old, against seven 40 something people.  I tried defending myself, defending the neutral point-of-view, giving a clear picture.  It wasn’t academics, it wasn’t work, it was simply a cause.  It felt so good having to show that side of me.  I even saw a sudden image of myself pursuing that

Maybe, when it comes down to it, the need for me to protect what I believe in and to destroy falcities triggers me to act accordingly.  I discovered I have courage to stand up.

a perfect dream, a tragedy

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” -Anna Quindlen

During the start of the semester, in one of the courses I am taking, we were asked to take a certain personality type test that would determine what type of person we are in terms of approaching things, in making decisions and seeing life in general.  About two week ago, we received the results and mine is below.

“I have high internanal standars for correctness, and I expect myself to live up to those standards.  It’s easy for me to see what’s wrong with things as they are and to see how they could be improved.  I may come across to some people as overly critical or demanding perfection, but it’s hard for me to ignore or accept things that ar enot done the right way.  I pride myself on the fact that if I’m responsible for doing something, you can be sure I’ll do it right.  I sometimes have feelings of resentment when people don’t try to do things properly or when people act irresponsibly or unfairly, although I usually try not to show it to them openly.  For me, it is usually work before pleasure, and I suppress my desires as necessary to get the workd done.”

In short, according to the Enneagram Personally Test we took, I’m in the level 1, A Perfectionist.  I was utterly shocked when I found out.  I figured I would be better of in the Challenger category, or the Achiever but not the Perfectionist because I don’t see myself as being a perfectionist, trying to manipulate people in order to get the my vision of a work done.  I don’t even recheck typographical errors, how can I be a perfectionist then?

However, last week, during the special week of my organization in the university, it was pointed out by some people that I am indeed a Perfectionist.  You see, that week was under the Team I handle in the org.  It was under my team and I had big dreams for that week, to make sure that things go out as planned and to see through it that the image I had in my mind was achieved.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t technically my project and I couldn’t do anything about it.  I could only suggest and suggest and give lots of advice for the project to be successful as I wanted it to be.  The whole week was a very mediocre representation of my imagination.

I wanted to cry and take the project off from the hands of the project heads.  I wanted to take charge and make it as I wanted it to be.  I was, I think, already being too bossy to them already, demanding things to be done this way and that way, ignoring probably the fact that they have their own lives too.  During a night session with one of my friends, I was ranting to him all the chaos that the week was turning out to be.  I told him of the tragic that was already happening and said the I think if they did this or did that things would have turned out better.  I was telling him my fear of the culminating night for the entire week, the one that costed so much money that it should be successful.

He then made me see, why am I too concerned with how I would feel about the project, why don’t I just focus all my energy in seeing how the project made other people, especially the children that we cater to, smile.  The point of these projects and such is not for me to see how successful I am or how happy I would be with them but with the fact of knowing that this project actually made other people happy.

Success does not depend on the effect of things for oneself, but on the effect of things for others.

I then realized, I was being selfish the entire time.  I was so cooked up on making things appear exactly out of my imagination that I failed to see that these things we are doing is not actually for us, but for the special people whose hope, even a little, relies on us.

During that night, I tried closing my eyes to all the negative things that were happening (of course I couldn’t because I can perfectly see them) and concentrated on the fact that the kids were smiling, they were enjoying themselves and that even their parents and guardians were having fun.  After seeing those things occur, I enjoyed myself as well.

dimming rays, shining rays.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.  Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.” - Helen Keller

I can probably assure that August is the most tiring month I’ve experienced this year.  I’ve had a lot of downfalls. I’m always tired.  I’ve encountered so many obstacles in this one month than I’ve had in the first three months of the year, given that the first three months were filled with Accounting, papers, election, fatigue.  The good thing though is that, in this single month, I’ve learned a lot about myself that I wouldn’t have learned otherwise if this month was just like the rest.

I learned that when you persevere, people would do anything they can, even against their will, to address your issue at hand.

I learned that insistence will make people finally listen to you, that is if what you are insisting is logical.

I learned that knowledge would only get you as far, determination would get you farther.

I learned that strength is essential for people to admire you.

I learned that I’m better than what I give myself credit for.

I don’t give myself credit enough as a matter of fact.  All I wanted to do was prove myself in all aspects of life.  When I was in elementary, I was the biggest loser.  The batch was divided into two: the lesbians and the not.  A quarter looked like boys, the other quarter dates the ones that look like boys, the next quarter pretends they are cool and the last quarter are the losers because they don’t try to act like expected.  That is how I perceive my elementary life, superficial and dull.  So I got teased quite often because I was quiet.  I got teased because I didn’t try to fit in.  As pathetic as it sound, I got teased because my friends are just like me, leading a very humble and low life.

Even in highschool, even if I got the recognition that I wanted, I still didn’t feel that I belonged.  I love my highschool friends, but everything is about proving yourself.   I wanted to study in this big University in order to prove to everyone else that I can do it.  I did unbelievable things just so that I can prove my worth.  But why do I need to prove myself?  Nonetheless, all my effort seems pointless because there would and would always be someone who would outshine me in every aspect I thought I was able to prove.

However, after this month, I proved myself, even just to myself, that I can do anything I want.

time bound

windows to the soul

les femmes du monde.

“There is in every true woman’s heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.”

- Washington Irving, The Sketch Book

Last night, I would not put a book down.  You must know it; it is entitled “A Thousand Splendid Suns” by Khaled Hosseini.  It must be saddest book I’ve ever read.  It had me shedding tears once in a while, it must appear silly if I do it in public.  Nevertheless, when I was reading it last night, late past midnight, I couldn’t find it in my heart to stay aloof when I wanted to cry with the characters.

It is a story of two Afghan women who started their lives filled with hopes and aspirations that were instilled in them while they were growing up.  However, due to the circumstances in the chaos of politics and death, they ended up having to serve the demanding needs of the most excruciating antagonist I have ever met. 

The character of this man in this novel will make any reader angry and desperate to reprimand him, only if he exists.  But I’m sure he does.  He is in every household were the position of men and women differ from each other.  He is the man that would have done everything to prevent the people around him, most of all his wives, to make a living so as to make their lives rely on him.   He is the man from a pre-feminist era where his words are the rules and that being a woman automatically renders you way below his league.  It pains me reading this character, I was in total agony having to read about his life and the way he treats his wives.  But I must add, his character was brilliant.

I think I might have spoiled some plot over there, but anyway, back to the point.  This is a story about how a fantasy can easily be changed by conflict and power hunger.  What is ironic is that after reading this, I had to read an article for school which tackles almost the same theme of domestic violence (this isn’t the main plot of the novel, but it is there).  The article spoke about a woman who wanted to change the treatment towards wives and children in the Philippines.  It was great.  It is nice to hear that a woman is standing up for women.

After reading turmoil then solutions I went to sleep.  It was funny actually, my dream consisted of all those stories colliding with one another, only it was me who was standing up for women and children and the poor and the weak.  It was probably one of the best dream I ever had, it was the fulfillment of my ultimate goal in life.  It is what I’ve always wanted to do, to change the world, and having to dream about actually doing that must be a message, a sign.

staggering a walk forward

Tomorrow is Valentine’s day, I’m not bitter, I’m cherishing the moments I’m single because I’m sure that the other half of my life consists of a significant other.  Therefore, tomorrow is appreciation day because every days that past by, the moment of having my significant other growing nearer and nearer.  I wonder when that will be though.

For some wacky reason, the Catholic of my school allowed fortune tellers inside.  Well, there are two fortune telling booths around school at this moment.  Maybe it is all because of this Valentine phenomenon.  So anyway, out of sheer curiousity, interest and just for fun, I decided to sign up for a time.  I’ve been dying to have my fortune read to me.  It is not that I believe this magic, but it seems that sometimes, they are acurate enough to at least give you a glimpse of the future.  But the future is still the future and whatever she would tell me can be changed depending on my actions, therefore, I’m still in control of my future, she might simply say something that might possibly happen.  I’m only concerned about 5 things though:

1) my family- whoever he is, I’m dying to know what you look like, how many rascals am I taking care of? are me and my parents and siblings very close?

2) my career- would i get that dream job I really really want? would i change the world?

3) financial stability- do I at least live comfortably if i did get my dream job?

4) my education- will I pursue my studies abroad?

5) travel- would i get to see the whole world?

Aside from this, all my other "things-to-do-before-I-die" wouldn’t mean as much. these are the only important things for me at the moment, maybe, in the future, it might change.  But take a look, in life, what does really matter?  What matters is what you feel matters, not what others make you feel matter (like getting good grades and feeling disappointed if you don’t).  I know these practical things matter, but would a life mean so much if all the things happening in it is just so to please the expectations of people around you?

I always have something against this expectation bit.  I’m always pressured to do things accordingly.  Come on, I’m probably the most "home-body" person in my family.  I’m the one who doesn’t always go out and spends my spare time studying.  I’m even going to study in the summer.  However, what I’m glad about this things is that their expectations of me are not really that important.  They feel that what is important is what I feel is important for myself.  It doesn’t stop them from giving guidance and advice, I appreciate it anyway.  The abovementioned 5 is what is important for myself. 

the pied piper

My life had been pretty normal.  I usually opt to become the member and I could be the best at it.  Sometimes, I’m the leader when I feel that things are getting out of control.  But I prefer being the follower because it is something I know I’m very good at.  I’m always on time, I do my work properly and my leader would be assured that the things he/she have me do will be done properly.  That is why I don’t know what got into me that right now I decided to run for candidacy in my college organization.  Even so, I’m planning to be a Vice-President in one of the organization’s subsidiary.  What prompted me to do it?  And I will win, I really want to win.

During my highschool life, I was, literally, nobody.  I was part of organizations then because it was required and somehow I’m known by most of my classmates, but still, I was nobody.  I was always the follower.  I never took control.  I never even became an Outstanding Student or simply a class officer, even the mere job of the Officer-of-the-Day.  Highschool didn’t even need class officers because you know that the class will still run and nothing will prevent the class from existing.  This isn’t even a niche similar to college organizations.  An organization is simply a small community which you really need to RUN.  There should be someone in command so that things will work out, so that the Vision-Mission of the organization will be practiced.  It needs maintenance and mere students are the ones who are handling it.  And out of sheer twilight or something, I decided to run for candidacy and be part of the council who keeps the organization in existence.

Highschool would have been a great deal easier.  I have no prior experience, no leadership credentials, but I know I’ll be able to do it.  What prompted me?  Destiny.

step up the ladder

They said that this year would be lucky for me, I hope that it would be.  I didn't really plan on making a New Year's Resolution but it spontaneously happened, so I decided to just continue what I've been doing.

1) Read at least one book per week.

2) Don't drink softdrinks ( I don't really like them, but I drink them if I wanted my drink to at least taste something, I'm going to abstain completely) 

3) Avoid cussing ( I really despise myself for doing so.  Especially the "F" word, i hate it)

Oh well. I hope that I might be able to do these things, they are not that hard really, because I don't really cuss a lot and I don't really drink softdrinks a lot.  The book thing might be a problem but I love to read, so I might find a way to do it any way.

I'll turn 19 this year, my last year as a teenager.  I don't feel/act any older compared to when I was 15, rather, that is what I think.  I do hope that I will become a better person though.