bummer

I just finished two decades of my life, and only a handful greeted me.  I’m sorry if I long for attention in that area, but I am only human and I do tend to expect greetings from friends.

Maybe it is just really me who see the importance of a person’s birthday that is why I deliberately ask it and make sure that I am able to greet that person.

the partings of walls

My close friend came back from the States around two months ago, and we’ve only seen each other twice.  It is pretty bad actually.  Even my bestfriend who practically lives a few blocks away only sees me during important dates like birthdays and the Holidays, aside from that, none.  I no longer even see my close friends from high school.  I miss these people.  They were the ones who watched me grow in my high school years.  They were the people who I really know that I can say anything and not sound like some big dope.  I can’t say everything with my college friends, they are judgemental, but high school peeps are just, like that.  I feel rather sad by the fact that we no longer see each other. 

What amazes me though, is the fact that I still feel their presence lingering.  Although we don’t constantly contact each other, although I don’t know whether she is a Dean’s Lister or whatever happened to her boyfriend before, I still feel the connection, it is so tight and unweavering.  But I need to see them really.  It is always just me, I’m the person who is not doing anything about it and I know I can.  Why don’t I?  Why can’t I just make some time in my busy schedule.  It is so worth it.

Last night I was watching the first episode of the fifth season of One Tree Hill.  Their lives have changed of course.  Some of them became rich and popular while others are still starving.  What I loved about the episode even though it was filled with depression was when Peyton and Brooke finally made contact with each other and made a way to see one another, after four years.  They haven’t seen each other in a long time but it seemed like nothing has changed.  I hope it is the same for me. 

written on stone

There are really those people whom you’ll never get along no matter how you try.  There might be times that you feel that you successful broke the barrier and could finally relate well with the person, however, it’s so ephemeral that you don’t know what has gone wrong.  I met her 2 years ago, I thought I will go along very great with her, but no.  I do the best I can, invited her to a sold out concert, brought her to a patron seat of our school versus its archrival game, during the finals!  During those moments, you feel that whatever wall is separating you two from understanding each other is broken.  Unknown to you, it will never be broken.  She is just one of the few person whom everyone else gets along just fine with except you.  Maybe it’s her problem not yours.  I don’t know whom to tell this to, my friends are her friends as well.

She is the type of person who will try to make you feel pity for her instead of for yourself.  For instance, you both came from a difficult test, you feel sad about it, but she will say that her set seemed harder, so you feel ashamed of feeling sad about yourself, her wanting you to change your pity to.  It isn’t nice.  She is also the type of person who feels that everything she says is right so you’ll just shut up and let her have her pseudo glory. 

the beckonings of "obliviousity"

I am often hurt.  Ironically, not by people who deliberately hurt me but people who don’t know they hurt me at all.  I am often hurt by oblivious people I care about and by the insensitive people I work so hard to please.  I often wish that people are as sensitive to other people’s need as I am.  I am sounding arrogant, I know, but I am really sensitive.  For instance, in school, I would continuously update you of my whereabouts if we are not together so you wouldn’t have to feel idiotic and walk around school looking ridiculous.  Another, I text everyone I know during their birthday, if I know when their birthday is.  Unfortunately, not everyone is sensitive.  There are those who can really just hurt, who have a knack for hurting without even realizing it.  Sometimes, you make them see their "obliviousness", but they just don’t get it.  Maybe I’m trying to act melodramatic around the situation, or maybe I’m just oversensitive, but the fact of the matter is, I am often surrounded by people who have no idea how they are treating others.

I often, if not most of the time, feel this way.  And sometimes, I can’t help but be cynical about it.  I would sometimes burn inside, of hatred towards the person and would just make him/her stop talking by mentioning, softly, something wrong in what they say.  Like most of life, the oblivious are inevitable.  I’m not very fond of them.  I want, if ever I have one, my husband to be sensitive.  To understand where I’m getting at and who can relate well with people.   There are just too dense people who don’t even realize what is on their face even if you try pointing it out to them.

Why am I angry on this supposedly good day? 

the past and the present world.

The first day of this semester started today.  It was swell and I felt like I didn't have any break. 

I saw my blockmates again and can't help but compare them from my highschool friends whom I've seen once in a while during the sembreak.  My college peers are a lot different from my highschool friends.  They are more serious!  All they think about it school as if they don't have a life other than studying.  When we are on our breaks, all we do is talk about school.  When I was in highschool, we only talk about school about once a week and with no intense discussion about it.  "Kamusta exam?" might be the only word of school during highschool.  My highschool friends can be described in one phrase: "down to earth".  Their personalities are so varied and even though you can't really think of something to talk about, there is no awkwardness going on.  They are more fun to be with.  There is no "plastikan" with them because you've seen them in their worst.  In college, you can't help but fake a smile and fake interest in a chosen topic that is both irrelevant and useless.  I'm not saying I hate my college friends, they are responsible and their interest in studies exceeds a normal human being's.  They are also able to really help you out when you have problems regarding school.  But highschool friends are a lot cooler, although they can never help in Accounting.  They can, however, help you in your emotional rollercoaster and actually make you feel human.  They are more concerning and understanding about your well-being.

College is academic, highschool is personal.

That is, when it comes to people.  I would like to have my highschool friends in college.  College is a lot more fun because of the different activities and opportunities it imposes but hey, the people are snobs.

It might be because I spent four entire years with the same people during highschool.  We were all experiencing the exact same hardship highschool had to offer.  Being in school for nine straight hours with not much as an hour of a break, highschool people would really be of the best comfort.

I don't know.  I hope that in due time, before I graduate, I would be able to feel the same emotional attachment with my college peers.  I hope that we not only develop "office" relationship with each other, but also personal relationship. 

flaw

People are hypocritical.  My friends, my family, the government, professors, and sometimes even the church could be hypocritical.  I consider myself hypocritical.  Don't you consider yourself hypocritical?

One supposedly quiet afternoon, I was hanging out with my "friends".  All of a sudden, someone complained.  She was complaining about someone who kept on complaining and annoyed the hell out of her.  Isn't that a bit hypocritical, I murmured to myself.   She was deliberatly setting out a grudge against a complaining person when she herself was complaining.  And I am hypocritical myself because right now, am I not complaining?

Isn't it funny that when you dislike a person all you could see are their flaws?  No matter how many positive sides he/she does and how sympathetic and kind he/she could be, wouldn't her flaws be the one that would capture your attention?  My "friend" only sees my flaws, and I only see her flaw.  We are both hypocritical then, aren't we?

I have a pet peeve.  I hate it when people don't think before they speak?  They would, unknowing and deprived of all their supposed intelligence, say something idiotic.  Isn't it annoying then?  A person would comment or ask or say something that even a monkey of low intelligence would think of.  It is indeed annoying.  And having to face such people every waking day is like living in a convention of half listeners, they wouldn't really hear what you are saying, and in order to look like they are, they would say something without giving it much thought.  Annoying.

Since I confess that indeed I am a hypocrite, I do blunt out things that doesn't make any sense at all.  However, I do it at least once a month that the consistency of it is irrelevant to the people around me.

What more?  I am a supposed pro-Filipino "activist".  I am against everyone leaving this beloved country and I feel obliged to at least make a step on each and every province situated in this forsaken country.  I love our food, our culture and our people.  What makes me a hypocrite then?  When I signed up for this blog space, I thought it was international, global, when I stupidly didn't recognize the ".ph" in the address.  I want to change blogs instantly, because I was writing for Filipinos only and my using of the English language is kind of stupid then.  But then again, I am writing for the Filipinos, even though I might not represent the Filipinos nor do I care if anyone is actually reading this.  I made this blog mainly because I want something secret for myself then, that the possible readers might not know who I am and some might actually relate to this.  I want to get away from my all-knowing company from multiply and friendster, thus, undertheaquasketch.i.ph is born.  I might have wanted to delete this blog when I found out it is merely local but then, I am a local, aren't I?

******

Flawless

Then behold, I shall write:

Perfection

The word should not be written

Less should it as much

Exist

God equates.

And only does the word

Might possibly exist.