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could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
or only one way that was always meant to be?

unfolding the first ballot

February 3, 2009
 ”The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important.” - Milo Bloom
 
I can’t sleep.  I’m usually not insomniac…hmm, I take that back.  There are moments that I just can’t seem to sleep.  Usually there isn’t a reason, sometimes there are..tonight is one of those times.  Two months ago, I can’t sleep because something BIG was coming up.  That BIG of a thing could only go two ways, the worst and the best.  Good thing it went for the best.  Now, I can’t sleep because this weekend, another BIG thing would come out; and yeah, it could only go either for the worst or the best.  Nevertheless, at this moment of anticipation, I just wish for it to be over.
 
So, what is this BIG of a thing?  I am running to be the president of my organization, much like Obama (although that doesn’t make sense.. running a country is sooo different from running a noble org).  It’s so much to understand in one breath.  Throughout my life, I only lead in groupworks, then was only given a chance last year to be a leader of a bigger cause, but now, it is clearly that different.  Would I be able to do it?  I know I still need to win in order to clarify that, but if I do win, would I be able to face this?
 
Wahh, I don’t know! I am only a child with little experience.
 
And earlier, I discovered that some of my friends used to be frightened of me.  That fright only disappeared when we all became friends and they realized that I’m not frightening at all.  Now, what the heck is that?  Is it my frankness, the way I look or my voice?  I have no idea!
 
A Frightening President is not the way to go.
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dissolving tomorrow

January 29, 2009

“There are no hopeless situations; there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.” - Clare Boothe Luce

 

Rarely do I read the newspaper…maybe because I don’t find a point in updating myself with chaos going around the world.  I do know that there is war in Gaza, that the president of Myanmar is imprisoned but that’s it, I would stop there.  I would not want to know the scorching details of a child molested and left for death, nor the massacre of a starving family who was not able to pay their debts.  The media glamorizes such sad stories, print them in newspapers and hope to dear that they get payed.

 

I used to desire to be a journalist, but sometimes it’s too much.  When is information just too much?  I understand that the media is able to depict real life situations.  People would be able to grasps the reality of life and how it is really hopeless for more than half the population.  But media is not really my topic right now, it is about hopelessness.

 

Earlier, I was reading an article about a man going home because he was fired from a job, so was his wife.  He and his wife decided that there isn’t any point in living anymore, so he kills his five children, his wife, then himself.  It is disappointing to see that human beings really go that low.  Is life determined by work?  Why didn’t they just go and find another job?  I am in no position to judge since I don’t know how it actually feels, but I am an idealist and it saddens me that in reality, people seem to have their lives determined by their wealth probably.

 

Did they not have any goal in their life?  Maybe it was their goal to raise a family, sure, but even having been fired, they could still do that.  Can one event deter a person from achieving their goals?  If it is really a sought after goal, a real purpose, would instances and challenges waver a person from pursuing these goals?  I don’t think it should.  However, it could also happen that because of that instance, the goal just suddenly disappeared as well.  Isn’t that the reason why people commit suicide?

 

Is suicide an action of a person who faces a problem, or have experienced something traumatic?  Or is suicide an action of a person who can’t seem to find meaning and purpose for his/her own life?

 

Yet, amidst that fact of a sudden lack of purpose, how come starving people in Africa are still able to hope?

 

I don’t know how I would respond if faced with the same situation.  Now, I have a goal and there are a lot of challenges that blocks my way from getting that goal.  What is all of a sudden, that goal is gone, or that I can’t fight the challenges anymore?  Would I have another goal, or would I simply dissolve tomorrow?

 

***

I won’t dissolve my goal because I am too much of a coward to do so.  Morals and ethics would prevent me.  But if I don’t have morals and ethics?

 

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melting clocks

January 25, 2009

 ”Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime, doubly so.” - Douglas Adam

Even though I know I am a total idiot while trying to express my thoughts and writing in English, I still miss writing.

Can you believe that exactly a month ago was Christmas?  I can’t.  It feels so long ago, but it was indeed just a month ago.  A lot of things had happened since then, only a few of which I am happy about, most of them are school requirements that are being done without any emotions.  When I don’t like what I do, there is not passion in the final outcome, there is no “me” in it.  I simply act like a robot just to get the thing done and hopefully get a higher mark.  This is what happens when there are a lot of things to do, and you can’t seem to know how to balance them.

I usually take pride in my anti-cram, time management capabilities, however, it seems impossible at this given rate.  The demands of school had taken a new kind of twist, so sinister that untangling it will take forever.  Usually, there are a few big requirements which needs long periods of time in order to finish.  And then there are a few smaller requirements that needs to be done simultaneously with these big requirements.  The new twist is, there are a lot of big requirements which needs long periods of time and there are a lot of also big requirements that needs to be done simultaneously which needs long periods of time but the teacher things it does not.  Therefore, there is twice as big requirements and half the time.

Anyway, last week, while in the hunt for the perfect OJT or internship, I found a job that loudly yells me.   It is an International NGO which deals with humanitarian action..more specifically action that deals with Human Rights violation, any guesses?

I am also thinking about revealing who I am.  Or just stop writing in theis blog, delete it, and make another one with my real name on it.

It is just so hard to do with all the memories written already.  They are more me, than the me people know.  They are more real than the me I reveal.  Maybe I just don’t want my thoughts and stories to be related to the me that people know.

 

Posted by undertheaquasketch at 8:56 pm | permalink | Add comment

a free ride, when you already paid

January 8, 2009
“Humor brings insight and tolerance.  Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding” - Agnes Repplier
 
Irony is one of my little source of joy.  I like encountering irony in my everyday life; the moment of a sudden pause only to realize that something ironic happened.  It’s a weird and ephemeral moment that makes me feel all tingly inside.  Isn’t that weird?  However, after watching the last two seasons of a show that is already cancelled, I realized that irony does not always give that feeling, more often than not, the irony of life causes devastation to a lot of people.
 
But before I go to that, I would just like to mention this show that I discovered two years ago.  I watched only one season and then stopped, and only recently did I rediscover that I actually liked the show.  When I rediscovered it, I found out that it was already cancelled so no more of that.  (see, an irony just there!)  I am only able to watch this in the internet due to it not being aired here in the Philippines.  So, what’s this show I’ve been rambling on about? It’s entitled “South of Nowhere”.
 
 
As can be infered from the photo above, the story is about two girls.  Although there are other various subplots that resides in the show, about their family and friends, the focus is on the ongoing romance between these two girls.  Watching this show does not make me gay, but I like unconventional love, so it’s very interesting and sort of addicting in its own way.
 
The story starts with the Carlin family moving to Los Angeles.  They then have to start anew with their lives.  Spencer (left) met Ashley (right) in school where they develop a friendship.  Through Ashley, Spencer realized that she was in fact, attracted to girls.  After a lot of drama, this is of course a drama show, they end up together…that’s the first season.  The second season focuses on their relationship amidst external factors like family and old flames and whateverelse came.  And finally, the third season is about growing up, maturity of everyone involved, in a sense.
 
Which brings me to the irony of life.  The Church forbids homosexuality since it is against the laws of reproduction.  They don’t consider homosexuals as human beings because they are living a life that is perpendicular to what is normal.  On the other hand, we were all brought up to be who we are, to show the world who we are.  There is always the notion that should not try to be anyone other than ourselves.  Wouldn’t it be devastating indeed if one is in that situation?  To choose because there are only two sides?
 
Why couldn’t there just exist a third side?  Why does it always have to be with them, or against them?
 
In the end, why do people have to abide to a certain norm?  Why not create their own norm?  That is to say, are they not free to do so?
 
I would very much like to dwell on that furthermore, but right now.  I am damn tired.
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unassured confidence, wit

October 21, 2008
“Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential” - Winston Churchill
 
Today, our grades for the first semester of this school year were released.  I did okay, if not, the best set of grades I’ve ever acquired throughout my stay in the University.  Ultimately, I only had two goals when I was carrying it out through the semester; to accumulate grades that are high enough for me to be allowed to run for a specific position in my organization, and to consistently gt a specific amount so that I’ll be viable for my desired school for a Master’s degree.  Upon seeing my grades, little did I know that something else is possible, that maybe for the first time ever, I could become an Honor Student.  Maybe if I also concentrated on achieving this goal I would have been an Honor Student.  I limited myself too much that other possible goals were left out so here I am, sitting with my highest grades ever in my entire life and only a mere decimal point away from achieving something I’ve already given up on and thought impossible.
 
Sure, there are lots of people who are consistently part of the Dean’s List, and even in the honor roll during elementary and high school, but I’m never part of that group of people.   I am never one with those that are smart enough to get into the job they want without even trying.  I’m the person who always has to work extra hard in order to get things done and in order to achieve things for myself.  These things are not natural for me like they are for many people I know.  It is just because I’m not smart enough.
 
Intelligence is something I always envy other people for having.  I am forever surrounded by people who are gifted with it and that being with them makes me feel more dumb.  Usually, I don’t mind not being a Dean’s Lister, I don’t feel the pressure of performing the task consistently nor do I feel the need to always present myself with that tag beside my name (Noelle Lain - Dean’s Lister).  However, there are times that I would just like to trade all my other talents and skills just to acquire that type of intelligence.  Sometimes, I would rather be a nerd and fully concentrate on my studies than be a person of variety.  While thinking this, I discovered something about myself.  I am a “jack of all trades, master of none.”  I can do lots of things but I most certainly am not linked to one specialty (Noelle Lain - musician, Noelle Lain - writer).  So sometimes, these things just suck.
 
So anyway, I realize I’m blabbing but I don’t really care.  At least in this foresaken site, I am not pressured to be someone, I am not pressured to represent a certain type of intelligence or skill to determine who I am.  Plus, for some absurd reason, I take comfort in the fact that more often than not, those nerds and intelligent people remain nerds and intelligent people, they don’t tend to be more successful than ordinary people in the future  mainly because they are always afraid of failing so they would rather not take risks.  It’s a cynical thought, at least it helps me sleep at night.
Posted by undertheaquasketch at 9:46 pm | permalink | Add comment

the bee’s sting

September 23, 2008
“Death cancels everything but the truth”
 
I’ve never known someone to take their own life, much less someone who actually has a bright future, until today.  Everyone is living a difficult life, some may tend to exaggerate their situation, claiming that theirs is more difficult.  Other people smile often and looked fresh and young that you wouldn’t dare to think that they have troubles inside.  But I believe that whatever situation we are in, whatever trials we encounter, it shouldn’t be compared to others because that specific ordeal is what God deemed you capable of handling.  However, is it possible that God can sometimes give too much?  Is it possible that He overestimated a person’s capabilities to drive that person to commit such an act? Or maybe it is just that people simply give-up.
 
What is a valid reason to take one’s life?
 
None.
 
Millions of people all around the world are trying to survive.  People go to work everyday in order to produce food for their stomachs.  Students labor in school in order to produce a future for their lives.  People in Africa die from starvation and they are lucky enough to eat one bread for a week.  Dying cancer victims would go to every means to see tomorrow’s sunlight.  Parents would give everything for their children’s health and future, even their own life.
 
Now, aren’t those thoughts clear enough that the value of life is important? I don’t know how to feel towards him.  Should I feel angry, concerned, understanding or ignorant?  As a matter of fact, the only feeling I feel is sadness.  I am sad for him, for his family, for his friends.  I remember an old saying, suicide is the most selfish act that a person can commit.  It doesn’t matter anyhow.  It’s just that life itself is a very important gift,;take it away, why?
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the grin of a grim

September 22, 2008
“Some people wear their smile like a disguise.  Those people who smile a lot, watch their eyes.  I know ’cause I’m like that a lot.  You think everything’s ok, and it is…’til it’s not.” - Ani Difranco
 
There is something wrong with me, I smile a lot which is basically the reason why people don’t take me too seriously.   For instance, earlier, I was so not in the mood.  I was feeling quite angry and depressed as a matter of fact (like I’ve been feeling these days), but that stupid grin is on my face.  I want to get rid of it but it appears to be stuck there.
 
And stuck there it is.  When I walk around school, my face, I pressume, looks good-natured.  It is smiling or about to make a smile, no matter, just as long as it isn’t in a frown, or worse, smug with the words “I couldn’t care less” forming.  So in other words, when people pass by me, I sometimes smile at them, friends and strangers alike.  Maybe strangers would find that weird, but isn’t it in the nature of the face to smile back at people smiling at you?  I really hate it when the people I smile at would actually give me a smug.  Would actually look more irritated than pleased that someone is smiling at them.  I just hate those instances in life.  Which makes me think, I should just look angry or smug at all people.  The problem is, I couldn’t make my face frown!!!
 
In the other news…
 
I’ve lost all interest in studying Human Rights.  I’m so glad I can opt not to take it anymore for the next semester.  I like Human Rights and all that, but studying it under that professor makes you hate the fact that Human Rights exists. It is supposed to be a very good and useful subject.  You get to know Human Rights protection mechanisms in other countries and such, but the importance of the subject diminishes if the teacher fails miserably to make you see the point of it all.
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ordering a mechanic

August 16, 2008
My brain is all scrambled trying to prepare for my oral exam in Philosophy.  Philosophy, I should say, is a very intersting subject.  If you reader noticed, I’ve been talking about Philosophy for a while now mainly because this term is my first encounter with that subject and secondly, I find the whole ordeal of questions interesting.  What is even more interesting is the fact that even these Philosophers seem to not get to agree on things that are almost similar. For instance, Descartes and Marcel created the Primary and Secondary Reflection, whether what we see are really there, is there such a thing as truth.  I like Marcel more because his mind seemed to be more intact, but anyway, I don’t agree with one thing he said though.  He said something like “what is embodied should be considered real, it exists.”  So for something to exist, it should be embodied?  I don’t know, that is how I understood the subjectivity of the matter.   But if this is exactly what Marcel was trying to say, then all those concepts does not exist because they are not embodied?  All those concepts that make life more meaningful like love, freedom, justice and truth?  All of them are not embodied, but that does not mean they don’t exist, right?  Or am I just getting way out of hand here?
 
So on the other hand, how was my day?  Well, my car broke down while I was in school and then I added another detail in my ultimate goals before I die, I must learn the insides of a car.  It would be so cool.  For instance like earlier, my car wouldn’t start, wouldn’t it be cool to be seen, a girl in nice clothes, opening the hood of a car and fixing it like a mechanic?  I just like to show off but honestly, it is cool.
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a question of validity

August 6, 2008
Earlier during my Philosophy class, we were discussing about dreams as was examined by Déscartes.  There was a query regarding the validity of dreams in our lives, in our reality.  There are dreams that can make us doubt reality, whether we are actually living in reality or dreams are actually our reality and the one we suppose as reality is merely a dream.  Confusing, isn’t it?  It is rather hard for me to understand as well, it seems like these Philosphers just can’t actually take comfort in their lives.  So, how in the world would I be able to think that dreams are actually my reality?
 
When I was young, the most dominant in all my dreams is my flying.  I distinctly remember that no matter what the situation is in those dreams, I can fly.  It was not until the 6th grade that my flying dreams seized and I never dreamt about flying again.  If flying is actually my reality, what is my dream?  On a second note, maybe it is flying that should actually happen in my life but it just doesn’t.
 
What is reality?  In fact, what is existence.  If one does not think, therefore, one doesn’t exist?  Is it possible not to think?  Even the subconscious mind think, doesn’t it?  How about the babies, the dead or the insane?  Don’t they exist?  Maybe altogether, they actually think as well.  Maybe by the mere fact that someone thinks about them makes them exist.   Does everyone dream?  If one does not dream, could it also affect a person’s existence since as was mentioned, dream is actually the reality. 
 
I clearly do not understand why a Philosopher prefer to live his/her life filled with questions because even though they might find an answer to it, they would still and continuously question the validatity.  When is a Philospher truly at peace?  Probably never.
 
But as Socrates thinks, he is the wisest of men because he does not think he is wise, he might have an answer. 
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so broken up and i give up…well, not yet

July 13, 2008

Am I still happy with how things are going around me?  Sure, in some aspects, like my organization, I’m still very happy with that even though I’m afraid as hell.  However, something’s wrong with my relationships with other people, something is slipping in between.  I know it would end soon, I just hope it won’t end too soon.

I can’t complete my New Year’s Resolution and I want to so badly.  But, I’m a student, and a student who brings work at home would never be able to complete it.   I’ve only been able to read 15 books at least, and the year is in its final half.  Oh well.  I hope that I’ll still be able to do at least 30.

I don’t write as well anymore.  I don’t even know what to write anymore.  Could it be that I’m too confused to think properly of my future?  Could it be that I’m being hindered to reflect on my feelings of the moment?  Or could it possibly that my life really is as boring that I’ve thought it to be all along.

I miss somethings from my past.  I want to play the piano again.  I want to practice Taekwondo again.  I want to go swimming for long hours again.  These things, whom I used to be no longer reflects who I am now. 

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