chronos’ wheel

“Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith” - Henry Ward Beecher

The other night, the TV was turned on to CNN and no one was actually watching.  I took a glance at the show and it featured a woman who was talking to the people of Iraq and showing us the tragedy of their lives and the goodness that can happen.  She was calling on our attention.  And then I commented, “What she’s doing used to be my dream.”

My father said, “then what happened.”

I’m talking to both my parents at this point, “You discouraged me to take it.”

They both said, “because there is no money in that. Thousands of people graduate every year with Journalism who couldn’t find work.”

And then I said, “I know, I know.”

My mother then answered, “but it is still something you are going to do, right?  You want to help.”

I answered back, “yeah, but not infront of the camera and not just talking about them.”

And then she commented, “Do you even plan to get married?”

Marriage.   Yeah I plan to get married but it is something I try not to think about because when I do, I usually get worried about where to put it.  It might sound like a silly problem, but I can’t see myself not getting married, and I can’t also see myself not doing what I plan to do. The two dreams clash with each other.  One asks me to remain stagnant in one place while the other asks me to roam around continuously.  I’ve already planned out my future, as I’ve said in previous entries, but I always can’t seem to find a spot into where marriage would happen. I’ve already placed a timeline from after graduating college, to small work, to Graduate School, to small work, then to my dream.  Everything is in order.  Once I get to my dream work, where in the world can I place marriage?

It does sound silly come to think of it.  It’s hard to “live for the moment” in this situation because there are deadlines.  I placed them to myself because there is an age limit in all of these.  32.  I must take the Foreign Service Exam before 32, I must be able to get into United Nations before 32.  It’s the age.  But of course, I plan to have achieved all this before 28 because I plan to get married at the age of 28, but is that really possible?

If I get to find someone, would that someone be able to cope with my life?  Would that someone be able to remain patient when I’m gone for long stretches of time.  The clear image that forms in my mind when I see myself achieving all that I want is with someone doing the exact same thing.  Someone who would be selfless enough to dedicate his life into working for others; not consumed with wealth or power.  Someone who would leave the comforts of his home in order to build another a home.  That’s why I don’t want thinking about that half of my future because in the world today, is that really possible?