or only one way that was always meant to be?
the whisper of love
October 23, 2008“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries, it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”
The names Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio were the first two names of famous people that I came to know in my entire life, I was 8 years old. I was 8 years old and I fell in love with the movie Titanic, like everyone else. Sure sure, there are a lot of critiques who hate it, or thinks it’s cliché and whateverelse have you, but I love it. Before the advent of Serendipity, it was my favorite movie of all time.
Today, I watched it for the nth time and I was suprised that during the last hour of the movie, I was crying. I couldn’t believe that a movie I have encrypted in my head could still possible make me cry. The impact was so strong that it felt like I was watching it for the first time. The movie is just incredible. Forbidden love is sometimes the most romantic love Although their love was so young and they were so young, they were willing to be together even during the tragedy. My heart was aching all over. I want to feel that, so here I am again, ranting about my lack of a love life.
Maybe it’s Jack’s spontaneity, I want that. I’m the most “unspontaneous” person that I know. I am so tied down with obligations, deadlines and all those crap and responsibilities that I often fail to appreciate each moment of my life. I’m always moving that sometimes, I would just like life to actually stop so that I can breathe. Maybe it is my inability to actually show what I feel. I’m certainly expressive but in actuality, there is still a deep ocean inside me that needs to be released. It is so hard.
Yesterday, my friends and I were watching movies and they are all about love. We were four then and two of them have a significant other. They were all gushy gushy because it is still early in the relationship and that is where the romantic part is. My other friend and I were quiet because we don’t really know what they feel. We are both hopeless romantics because we are romantics. Because of all the books and movies that linger in our brains, there has been a build up of romanticisms and reality does not live up to that. So it’s sad.
I want to experience all those firsts, the romantic parts. The first walk under the rain. The first movie together. The first dinner. The first moment of touching hands. The first cry of joy because of love. The first letter. The first chocolate and rose. The first sharing of ice cream. The first out-of-town travel. The first hug. The first kiss. All of these would forever be kept in the vault of my memory when (if) they happen.
So now, I’m sitting here, feeling how hard it is. People might not understand why it’s actually hard, but it is. The anticipation is difficult.
unassured confidence, wit
October 21, 2008
chronos’ wheel
October 9, 2008“Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith” - Henry Ward Beecher
The other night, the TV was turned on to CNN and no one was actually watching. I took a glance at the show and it featured a woman who was talking to the people of Iraq and showing us the tragedy of their lives and the goodness that can happen. She was calling on our attention. And then I commented, “What she’s doing used to be my dream.”
My father said, “then what happened.”
I’m talking to both my parents at this point, “You discouraged me to take it.”
They both said, “because there is no money in that. Thousands of people graduate every year with Journalism who couldn’t find work.”
And then I said, “I know, I know.”
My mother then answered, “but it is still something you are going to do, right? You want to help.”
I answered back, “yeah, but not infront of the camera and not just talking about them.”
And then she commented, “Do you even plan to get married?”
Marriage. Yeah I plan to get married but it is something I try not to think about because when I do, I usually get worried about where to put it. It might sound like a silly problem, but I can’t see myself not getting married, and I can’t also see myself not doing what I plan to do. The two dreams clash with each other. One asks me to remain stagnant in one place while the other asks me to roam around continuously. I’ve already planned out my future, as I’ve said in previous entries, but I always can’t seem to find a spot into where marriage would happen. I’ve already placed a timeline from after graduating college, to small work, to Graduate School, to small work, then to my dream. Everything is in order. Once I get to my dream work, where in the world can I place marriage?
It does sound silly come to think of it. It’s hard to “live for the moment” in this situation because there are deadlines. I placed them to myself because there is an age limit in all of these. 32. I must take the Foreign Service Exam before 32, I must be able to get into United Nations before 32. It’s the age. But of course, I plan to have achieved all this before 28 because I plan to get married at the age of 28, but is that really possible?
If I get to find someone, would that someone be able to cope with my life? Would that someone be able to remain patient when I’m gone for long stretches of time. The clear image that forms in my mind when I see myself achieving all that I want is with someone doing the exact same thing. Someone who would be selfless enough to dedicate his life into working for others; not consumed with wealth or power. Someone who would leave the comforts of his home in order to build another a home. That’s why I don’t want thinking about that half of my future because in the world today, is that really possible?
