the bee’s sting

the grin of a grim

samson’s awakening

That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong. - William J.H. Boetcker

I learned something about myself yesterday.

I am the type of person who will meekly turn the other cheek to be slapped.  I usually don’t fight, especially in front of authorities, people who are older and higher than me.  I’m not that good in debates and arguments because I fail to make thoughts form into words, especially if other people are intiimidating.  But of course there are times that I fight back, but not in the way I did yesterday.  Yesterday might be the highlight of my confrontational, self-respect protection life.

I already mentioned the fact about the people in my JEEP insertions; how they are all against me and stuff like that.  Yesterday was my last day of insertion, and I was asked, what did I learn.  I don’t want to go into the details because it would give of some personal data.  However, it was me, alone, 19 years old, against seven 40 something people.  I tried defending myself, defending the neutral point-of-view, giving a clear picture.  It wasn’t academics, it wasn’t work, it was simply a cause.  It felt so good having to show that side of me.  I even saw a sudden image of myself pursuing that

Maybe, when it comes down to it, the need for me to protect what I believe in and to destroy falcities triggers me to act accordingly.  I discovered I have courage to stand up.

a perfect dream, a tragedy

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” -Anna Quindlen

During the start of the semester, in one of the courses I am taking, we were asked to take a certain personality type test that would determine what type of person we are in terms of approaching things, in making decisions and seeing life in general.  About two week ago, we received the results and mine is below.

“I have high internanal standars for correctness, and I expect myself to live up to those standards.  It’s easy for me to see what’s wrong with things as they are and to see how they could be improved.  I may come across to some people as overly critical or demanding perfection, but it’s hard for me to ignore or accept things that ar enot done the right way.  I pride myself on the fact that if I’m responsible for doing something, you can be sure I’ll do it right.  I sometimes have feelings of resentment when people don’t try to do things properly or when people act irresponsibly or unfairly, although I usually try not to show it to them openly.  For me, it is usually work before pleasure, and I suppress my desires as necessary to get the workd done.”

In short, according to the Enneagram Personally Test we took, I’m in the level 1, A Perfectionist.  I was utterly shocked when I found out.  I figured I would be better of in the Challenger category, or the Achiever but not the Perfectionist because I don’t see myself as being a perfectionist, trying to manipulate people in order to get the my vision of a work done.  I don’t even recheck typographical errors, how can I be a perfectionist then?

However, last week, during the special week of my organization in the university, it was pointed out by some people that I am indeed a Perfectionist.  You see, that week was under the Team I handle in the org.  It was under my team and I had big dreams for that week, to make sure that things go out as planned and to see through it that the image I had in my mind was achieved.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t technically my project and I couldn’t do anything about it.  I could only suggest and suggest and give lots of advice for the project to be successful as I wanted it to be.  The whole week was a very mediocre representation of my imagination.

I wanted to cry and take the project off from the hands of the project heads.  I wanted to take charge and make it as I wanted it to be.  I was, I think, already being too bossy to them already, demanding things to be done this way and that way, ignoring probably the fact that they have their own lives too.  During a night session with one of my friends, I was ranting to him all the chaos that the week was turning out to be.  I told him of the tragic that was already happening and said the I think if they did this or did that things would have turned out better.  I was telling him my fear of the culminating night for the entire week, the one that costed so much money that it should be successful.

He then made me see, why am I too concerned with how I would feel about the project, why don’t I just focus all my energy in seeing how the project made other people, especially the children that we cater to, smile.  The point of these projects and such is not for me to see how successful I am or how happy I would be with them but with the fact of knowing that this project actually made other people happy.

Success does not depend on the effect of things for oneself, but on the effect of things for others.

I then realized, I was being selfish the entire time.  I was so cooked up on making things appear exactly out of my imagination that I failed to see that these things we are doing is not actually for us, but for the special people whose hope, even a little, relies on us.

During that night, I tried closing my eyes to all the negative things that were happening (of course I couldn’t because I can perfectly see them) and concentrated on the fact that the kids were smiling, they were enjoying themselves and that even their parents and guardians were having fun.  After seeing those things occur, I enjoyed myself as well.

one year

Happy Birthday undertheaquasketch.i.ph

******

Nothing more to write, a clear indication that I’m busy.

roaming along small letters

a shade of black and white

“You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past.” - Richard Bach

All the 3rd years in my school are required to take a program called the “Junior Engagement Program” or JEEP.  This program would allow us to experience the work of ordinary blue-collared workers, like bartering for jeepneys, selling sweet corn on the street or being a “xerox lady” in a specific location.  The program is supposed to help us understand the trials that minimum wage workers undergo through just to make their lives easier for their families.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t end there, sure we gain insights and of course want to make our lives better, but it goes deeper sometimes that it actually affects your psychological well-being.

I had the greatest misfortune of the work I have to do in regards to my JEEP.  I am constantly surrounded by workers who, not only hate capitalism, but also take pride in the fact that capitalists need them and they don’t need capitalists (take note of the bold).  I agree with the fact that in order for a business to run, it goes two sides: the investor and the owner who make the business possible, and the workers who help run the business, sure it is a given fact.  But these people surrounding me just can’t get over the fact that they don’t run the business.  They are so hypocritical, accusing me because my parents happen to have a business, accusing my friends because they are well-off, accusing those who happened to be lucky to get into schools and have homes.  They make it a point that their lives are more important than us, I’m sorry, but life itself does not judge whose life is more important.

It is very very annoying because it is all one sided.  I get a very good glimpse from their side, but do they understand the other side?  The biasness of the situation is actually the very reason why in this world, those type of people are the ones who are being supported forever by the society.  Why is it that when they talk, people listen, but when the richer people talk, they are ignored?

For instance, there were farmers who were kept on complaining because the rich got a hold of their land.  They approach big universities like mine and take the “paawa effect” (pity).  They talk and bash the rich people and even the people who happen to be simply well off because they can live their lives.  The students, and the church, having only glimpse at their side of the story, will start to take on their cause.  They would suddenly make petitions and accuse the other side of all the wrong doings.  How about their sides?  The rich don’t simply take their land.  They pay for those.  They give their farmers their well deserved amount of payment for the lands that they buy.  However, these farmers, these workers, often feel that just because they are rich they could get their hands on anything.  But these rich people, they were poor once, they just happened to have a knack for changing their lives.  And also, just because they are rich doesn’t mean they could simply buy and buy and waste all their money and not get the deserved exchange.  These lands were bought, paid with hard earned money, and the others wouldn’t have the decency to accept these facts.

Is it simply that easy?  People think the lives of the rich or the well-off is easier, isn’t it easier if the whole of the country side with you.  Blindness can keep a person from considering all sides of the equation.  Honestly, my family isn’t rich, but we are affected by all the things that are happening because we are in the middle.  It is always us who are affected by these, by these biases, by the blindness.

What really ticked me off in my JEEP insertion earlier was during this dialogue: (originally in Filipino)

Guy: …just because you are all capitalists.

Girl: They are not capitalist, they are students, they couldn’t be capitalists.

Guy: But they would be in the future, that’s the life they are used to.

I mean, COME ON?  Is my life determined by what my life is right now?  It is a clear devaluation of my capabilities as a person.  Am I not allowed to grow?   Being prejudice, I believe, hinders a person from growing.  Simply seeing yourlife sucks would give you a judgement that that is the best I can do.  Only those who are courageous are living.