the clown’s mascot

“So I put on my make-up, put a smile on my face.  And if anyone asks me, everything is okay.  I’m laughing cause no one, knows the joke is on me.  Cause I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face, on my face.”

- Smile by Tamia

I would like to rant about how other people treat me.

Sometimes, if not often, I think about what will happen to the world when I die.  I have some thoughts about dying, not suicide so don’t worry.  I have images of myself dead and my soul wanders around the people I know.  I think about how many people would show up at my funeral and what happens next when people are living their lives already, but this time without me.

When we are good at something compared to others, we know it.  We know it but we don’t go around being arrogant about it, it’s just our thoughts and we have this private applause for ourselves right?  Since this is my private thoughts, I would like to share it to my private blog.  I know that I’m a good team member.  I know that I do my tasks very well without people having the need to mention things for me to do.  I know that I have the incentive to do more than what is expected.  All of these, I know about myself because I don’t like being a liability in anything.  I don’t want to be the cause of any delay and inconvience in the lives of other people.  These may all add up to the fact that I don’t want to be perceived as someone undesirable.  It’s my act in order to acknowledge what other people think of me.  But we often say, why should we care about what other people think of ourselves right?  But the truth is, we do care.  We do care if we are a benefit to others or if we harm them.

So, what will happen to the people when I suddenly vanish from their lives?  Will they realize the type of convience I am to them?  That I did things for them to make their lives easier without them acknowledging this?  My thoughts are arrogant, but don’t you just wonder?  Maybe their lives would be easier.  Maybe there isn’t someone who would give them criticisms which would actually annoy them.  It is also possible that they’ll realize that no matter how much they ignore your effects to them, they are affected by whatever decisions you make, even in the smallest of scales.

I am so tired.  I am tired of people ignoring my effort to make their lives easier.  I am tired of people who neglect the smallest of comforts that I try to bring them.   I am tired of volunteering to do this ,to do that because no one else will.  I am tired of being the person people rely on because sometimes, I don’t rely on myself.  I am tired of being silent about my feelings when all I want to do is scream it to the world.  I am tired of making an effort to smile and act pleasant when inside I am miserable.

But, why am I so tired?