dimming rays, shining rays.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.  Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.” - Helen Keller

I can probably assure that August is the most tiring month I’ve experienced this year.  I’ve had a lot of downfalls. I’m always tired.  I’ve encountered so many obstacles in this one month than I’ve had in the first three months of the year, given that the first three months were filled with Accounting, papers, election, fatigue.  The good thing though is that, in this single month, I’ve learned a lot about myself that I wouldn’t have learned otherwise if this month was just like the rest.

I learned that when you persevere, people would do anything they can, even against their will, to address your issue at hand.

I learned that insistence will make people finally listen to you, that is if what you are insisting is logical.

I learned that knowledge would only get you as far, determination would get you farther.

I learned that strength is essential for people to admire you.

I learned that I’m better than what I give myself credit for.

I don’t give myself credit enough as a matter of fact.  All I wanted to do was prove myself in all aspects of life.  When I was in elementary, I was the biggest loser.  The batch was divided into two: the lesbians and the not.  A quarter looked like boys, the other quarter dates the ones that look like boys, the next quarter pretends they are cool and the last quarter are the losers because they don’t try to act like expected.  That is how I perceive my elementary life, superficial and dull.  So I got teased quite often because I was quiet.  I got teased because I didn’t try to fit in.  As pathetic as it sound, I got teased because my friends are just like me, leading a very humble and low life.

Even in highschool, even if I got the recognition that I wanted, I still didn’t feel that I belonged.  I love my highschool friends, but everything is about proving yourself.   I wanted to study in this big University in order to prove to everyone else that I can do it.  I did unbelievable things just so that I can prove my worth.  But why do I need to prove myself?  Nonetheless, all my effort seems pointless because there would and would always be someone who would outshine me in every aspect I thought I was able to prove.

However, after this month, I proved myself, even just to myself, that I can do anything I want.

the clown’s mascot

“So I put on my make-up, put a smile on my face.  And if anyone asks me, everything is okay.  I’m laughing cause no one, knows the joke is on me.  Cause I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face, on my face.”

- Smile by Tamia

I would like to rant about how other people treat me.

Sometimes, if not often, I think about what will happen to the world when I die.  I have some thoughts about dying, not suicide so don’t worry.  I have images of myself dead and my soul wanders around the people I know.  I think about how many people would show up at my funeral and what happens next when people are living their lives already, but this time without me.

When we are good at something compared to others, we know it.  We know it but we don’t go around being arrogant about it, it’s just our thoughts and we have this private applause for ourselves right?  Since this is my private thoughts, I would like to share it to my private blog.  I know that I’m a good team member.  I know that I do my tasks very well without people having the need to mention things for me to do.  I know that I have the incentive to do more than what is expected.  All of these, I know about myself because I don’t like being a liability in anything.  I don’t want to be the cause of any delay and inconvience in the lives of other people.  These may all add up to the fact that I don’t want to be perceived as someone undesirable.  It’s my act in order to acknowledge what other people think of me.  But we often say, why should we care about what other people think of ourselves right?  But the truth is, we do care.  We do care if we are a benefit to others or if we harm them.

So, what will happen to the people when I suddenly vanish from their lives?  Will they realize the type of convience I am to them?  That I did things for them to make their lives easier without them acknowledging this?  My thoughts are arrogant, but don’t you just wonder?  Maybe their lives would be easier.  Maybe there isn’t someone who would give them criticisms which would actually annoy them.  It is also possible that they’ll realize that no matter how much they ignore your effects to them, they are affected by whatever decisions you make, even in the smallest of scales.

I am so tired.  I am tired of people ignoring my effort to make their lives easier.  I am tired of people who neglect the smallest of comforts that I try to bring them.   I am tired of volunteering to do this ,to do that because no one else will.  I am tired of being the person people rely on because sometimes, I don’t rely on myself.  I am tired of being silent about my feelings when all I want to do is scream it to the world.  I am tired of making an effort to smile and act pleasant when inside I am miserable.

But, why am I so tired?

time bound

windows to the soul

les femmes du monde.

“There is in every true woman’s heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.”

- Washington Irving, The Sketch Book

Last night, I would not put a book down.  You must know it; it is entitled “A Thousand Splendid Suns” by Khaled Hosseini.  It must be saddest book I’ve ever read.  It had me shedding tears once in a while, it must appear silly if I do it in public.  Nevertheless, when I was reading it last night, late past midnight, I couldn’t find it in my heart to stay aloof when I wanted to cry with the characters.

It is a story of two Afghan women who started their lives filled with hopes and aspirations that were instilled in them while they were growing up.  However, due to the circumstances in the chaos of politics and death, they ended up having to serve the demanding needs of the most excruciating antagonist I have ever met. 

The character of this man in this novel will make any reader angry and desperate to reprimand him, only if he exists.  But I’m sure he does.  He is in every household were the position of men and women differ from each other.  He is the man that would have done everything to prevent the people around him, most of all his wives, to make a living so as to make their lives rely on him.   He is the man from a pre-feminist era where his words are the rules and that being a woman automatically renders you way below his league.  It pains me reading this character, I was in total agony having to read about his life and the way he treats his wives.  But I must add, his character was brilliant.

I think I might have spoiled some plot over there, but anyway, back to the point.  This is a story about how a fantasy can easily be changed by conflict and power hunger.  What is ironic is that after reading this, I had to read an article for school which tackles almost the same theme of domestic violence (this isn’t the main plot of the novel, but it is there).  The article spoke about a woman who wanted to change the treatment towards wives and children in the Philippines.  It was great.  It is nice to hear that a woman is standing up for women.

After reading turmoil then solutions I went to sleep.  It was funny actually, my dream consisted of all those stories colliding with one another, only it was me who was standing up for women and children and the poor and the weak.  It was probably one of the best dream I ever had, it was the fulfillment of my ultimate goal in life.  It is what I’ve always wanted to do, to change the world, and having to dream about actually doing that must be a message, a sign.

ordering a mechanic

darker shade of white

give me ordinary

I am so caught up in everything that is happening that I almost forgot to write on this specific day.  I would never experience this day ever again nor the date of 080808 will ever happen once more, well, in my lifetime.

Come to think of it, everyday of our lives can actually only happen once, only once.  Sometimes we have off days and we think that nothing can be worse than what we are experiencing.  There are days that are actually filled with joy and happiness and that nothing seems to ruin it no matter what happens.  There are also days that are actually insignificant for us, as if we just have to pass that day to get to another, and as if that day isn’t really very crucial.  Nevertheless, all the past days and all those that would still be coming will only happen once in our life.

Wouldn’t it feel better to actually leave a mark on a specific day, each and every day?  Those idle moments and thoughtless days should be made into something significant.  Wouldn’t it be more delightful if we are able to say that everyday of our lives is actually worth living, important, crucial.

My day today is ordinary I suppose.  I went to help deprived children in the institution I work with for my organization.  I didn’t manage to go to the gym like all the other days.  I went to all my classes not expecting much than knowledge.  I went to a meeting with the council and was able to actually express thoughts that I have been longing to express.  I went home with the street lights on and the horizon dim.  Therefore, today is ordinary, like all the other days so I suppose I can just simply neglect a day like this happening.  But after writing about it and reflecting I then discovered, each and every ordinary day I encounter is in fact more important than I think it is.  I was able to help.  I was able to learn.  I was able to produce insights.  All those little facts could have at least made this day worth living, like all the other days.

a question of validity

say hello to the grim keeper

My boss and I (in my organization) are having a campaign to have our members respond to something we were asking.  I would not like to dwell in that because it might give away my identity?  Anyway, the campaign goes with the phrase “In the last seconds of your life, what will you say?“  When I first read the line, it didn’t really struck me as important but when I have read it enough, I came to realize its relevance; what would I actually say?

Our last seconds can be as important as the rest before because it caps off entirely who you are.  It is the period that says the story has ended.  Without the period, it seems like something is missing.  Not all though are given the opportunity to actually realize it is their last seconds.  Nevertheless given the certain circumstance, what would I actually say?  Would I be able to say I am very happy with my life, have no regrets and thank God that all has gone well?  Or would I be saying that I could have done better?  With these questions, occuring now when I’m still young and healthy, I could actually form now what words I would be saying later on, depending on my actions as of the moment.

Thinking about it, what I want to say at the last seconds of my life is: “I hope that everything I’ve done is enough.”

Those words are problematic.  What is enough?  Why do I just simply hope?  Surely not everything is relevant.  But know what?  I don’t care, as of the moment, I’m 19 years old and those are the words I want to say.

****** 

Note to self: I’m so pathetic, reading another’s love story.