metamorphosis

I think I changed, not as if they tell me I did.  Ever since I stepped in the line of leadership, I think, rather, I feel I changed.  I’m no longer the person I was.  I feel more superior, snobbish even….and I would rather be a member if it will amount to that.  I suddenly make excuses to be exempt from doing something because I always tell them I’m busy, they understand however.  I’m not really that busy.  What do you think happened?
Recently, my bestfriend did lots of changes on herself.  She deleted parts of herself, came to understand herself more and formed a realization.  I haven’t seen her since October, but from this far away point-of-view, I can feel her changes.  Luckily for her, it was for the better.  Since then, I felt the need to change myself, I didn’t get around to do the changing and realizing what needs to be changed though.  So I didn’t partake on the changes happening around me and simply relied on the flow.  Unfortunately, I did change and people around me are changing their approach towards me as well.

When I was in gradeschool, I often here people comment about me and ask me why I always smile as if nothing is wrong.  I got it in recollection letters and even frontal.  They would always ask "Bakit ka palagi nakangiti." and my answer will always be, "because there’s nothing to be sad about."  Maybe it was because of their comment that I suddenly felt insecure.  Up until college, I maintained my smile.  I greeted all the people I know when passing them, until maybe, I realize they don’t appreciate it.  Recently, we were sharing all our feelings with each other, me and my fellow officers.  Several of them told me their "apprehension" to talk to me because they thought I was snobbish and always impatient.  I was offended, but maybe it was true.  When I greet people and they don’t smile back, maybe I no longer felt the need to greet as well: "why bother?"

It was due to the society I believe.  I want to become who I was, in terms of friendliness, when I was in gradeschool.

Changes, they say, should always be for the better, why would you change if you are already great right?  Why then did I even try to change when who I was was who I really am.