my favorite song

Amidst that exam week chaos, I wanted to share my favorite song of all time: Kill by Jimmy Eat World.  This song has a special place in my heart even though the lyrics is heartbroken as it is.  Along with the music, this song is almost a serenade that could really really tear your heart along the middle.  Try downloading it.

Kill by Jimmy Eat World 

Well, you’re just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I’m nervous still
I’ve always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes ’round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can’t walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I’d go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heath Meizer song goes
It’s just like being alone

Oh God, please don’t tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I’ve done means (means)
You kill me, you’ve got some nerve, but can’t face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can’t turn away

So go on love
Leave while there’s still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There’s so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can’t help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can’t help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can’t just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can’t walk away 

***** 

Everytime I hear this song, I want to cry even though I’m not affected, but look at the lyrics.  Each chorus is a different philosophy.   I particularly like the bridge part especially when he sang "I loved you, and I should have said it, but tell me just what has it ever meant."  Really now.  I can’t symphatize with the pain but since I’m a romantic, I could still feel the emotion running in that very part of the song.  The song is simply about a person who loves someone whom he/she knows would never be his/her.  It is lost love, unrequited.  Will I experience this?  Gosh I hope not.  I don’t know if I could bear loving someone, doing everything for him and in the end, he will never love me just as much.  It is a sad fact, it happens.  But the part where he sang "I can’t help it baby, this is who I am." is a sign of strength for the lover.  It is like acceptance that "really nothing would happen between us but I am not going to change to someone who I am not just to get you."  So even though the song is tragic, glimpses of strength is always a sign of hope.

an ironic reaction

I saw them walking, softly ignoring each other, to an outsider, they are strangers.  I avoided looking at them, staring at them as if I’m a subtle spectator.  And then the guy hastly approach her, as if she would disappear if they get too far away from each other.  He then placed one arm around her shoulders while they continued to walking.  Oblivious to everyone around them, he kissed her along the jaw, a peck, not worth-noticing, I noticed it nonetheless.  Why?  I’m so dramatic.  They are actions, when read in a book, brings shivers down your spine, enacting your hormones.  In real life, it doesn’t seem as wonderful, but when I observed them, it touched me what he did.  I want one, I begin to feel envious of them.  I’m not really like this, I usually ignore couples walking around.  But really really, I want one! Haha, doesn’t seem right though, because I know for myself that I won’t have one while I’m studying.  I might even be the one who walk away.  I might grow scared of the thought and turn around even before it starts.  However, it felt "kilig" when I watched them.  Why oh why do I have this no boyfriend till I graduate commitment with myself?  Who would even care then I?  They passed by fast, I didn’t get a chance to see what she did.

I’m tired, I’m tired of everything.  I’m tired of giving a 101% effort when it doesn’t pay off.  I’m tired of constantly trying to prove to everyone around me that I’m just as good as them, maybe better.  I’m tired of fighting for my dreams when people around me don’t understand why I have such dreams.  I’m tired of faking a smile when they don’t bother to give me one back.  I’m tired of pretending I’m not tired when deep inside, I’m really exhausted.

the beckonings of "obliviousity"

I am often hurt.  Ironically, not by people who deliberately hurt me but people who don’t know they hurt me at all.  I am often hurt by oblivious people I care about and by the insensitive people I work so hard to please.  I often wish that people are as sensitive to other people’s need as I am.  I am sounding arrogant, I know, but I am really sensitive.  For instance, in school, I would continuously update you of my whereabouts if we are not together so you wouldn’t have to feel idiotic and walk around school looking ridiculous.  Another, I text everyone I know during their birthday, if I know when their birthday is.  Unfortunately, not everyone is sensitive.  There are those who can really just hurt, who have a knack for hurting without even realizing it.  Sometimes, you make them see their "obliviousness", but they just don’t get it.  Maybe I’m trying to act melodramatic around the situation, or maybe I’m just oversensitive, but the fact of the matter is, I am often surrounded by people who have no idea how they are treating others.

I often, if not most of the time, feel this way.  And sometimes, I can’t help but be cynical about it.  I would sometimes burn inside, of hatred towards the person and would just make him/her stop talking by mentioning, softly, something wrong in what they say.  Like most of life, the oblivious are inevitable.  I’m not very fond of them.  I want, if ever I have one, my husband to be sensitive.  To understand where I’m getting at and who can relate well with people.   There are just too dense people who don’t even realize what is on their face even if you try pointing it out to them.

Why am I angry on this supposedly good day? 

i am you friend because i need you

User-friendly people are inevitable while you are living.  They are people who are your friends when they need you, otherwise, they are strangers.  I have lots of user-friendly "friends".  The question is, why don’t I do anything about it?  As a matter of fact, even though I know they are users, why do I bother even talking to them?  Maybe I’m just not brave enough to say "no".  However, enough is enough and sometimes I really get angry that I can’t control my temper regarding this situation and I come out babbling about my hatred towards this certain person.  Why rely on me when there are hundreds of obviously capable human beings?  At first it feels flattering, knowing that a person trust you to that extent, soon it whithers knowing that the person is already depending on you on everything.  It is excruciating.  What more?  As soon as the person knows what you really feel about him/her, his/her "user-friendliness", he/she would have the nerve to be the one angry.  No wonder I’m afraid.

superman can’t do nothing

I regret not being able to post here yesterday, just for the fact that I won’t be able to post for the 29th of February until four years later.  Same as it goes for the fact that I don’t expect to post in here for the next 3 years because I maybe writing mere fiction and I’m running out of beautiful things to say.

Anyway, during a processing in NSTP, we were asked to represent a certain NGO of our desire and defend the issue of that NGO in order to get much of the funds being provided.  I represented the children with AIDS.  I felt very sad about it and at some point of my convincing, I wanted to cry.  Children with AIDS are the group of people I feel most strongly about.  I feel very sad towards their faith.  Although I believe that I’ve helped a lot of people during my service, I’ve never helped a person infected with AIDS.  And even while writing this, I feel very very sad.  These children definately don’t have any future.  They were born into this world to die without doing much.  They have this incurable sickness that they inherited.  It wasn’t their fault and yet they are the people who will suffer.  Every minute of their lives, they are thankful to at least have because they might die any time.  But, in their lifetime, they couldn’t plan much for their future, they can have these dreams that they will never ever achieve because time deprives them.  I want to help them but I’m sad to say that I can not.  All the funds in world can be given to them, but nothing will happen, it would simply make their short lives feel better, and yet, hope still diminished into dust.

Why do I act this way?  Even I myself don’t know the reason for that.   I’m glad I have this desire to help people.  I hope that it would never go away from me.  It is my only contribution to the society I live in.  There are times that I feel that my efforts are lost and pointless and I just grow tired, but I should always keep up.  I’m writing this post for one reason, to keep me going whenever I doubt.