noelle decides to die

Have you ever read "Veronika Decides to Die" by Paolo Coelho?  This might actually be the best book I’ve read done by him, well so far.  I’m not yet finished though.  However, in the more than a hundred pages I’ve read, I felt something I’ve been hiding in my life.  I’m quite embarassed to mention it, so I won’t, but if you happen to read it, then you’ll understand what.  I often feel morality issues regarding that topic so I don’t pursue anything, I don’t do anything.  I’m still young and have all the idealizations I’ve created just so to escape from that reality that builds in my mind.  Is it sinful, or is it not?  I don’t know which to believe.  I’m not exactly a saint, but I’m no sinner.  How then would I face this issue that I can’t speak with anyone.  Not my friends, especially not my parents.  It really is embarassing and it might cause unnecessary grievances to anyone who might know.  They might feel ashamed as well because they keep it a secret too and I managed to extract something they’ve been hiding.  I’ve been hiding from myself too, afraid of the abnormality that this might bring up.

I really wonder, "why in the world?" but I just don’t do anything.  I stop before the need arises.  I guess I’ll just have to wait to get married.