leaping the year

February 28, 2008

The month is about to end yet again, if this isn’t leap year, tomorrow is March.  I still have one whole month to go before I can officially call it quits for the school year.  And then, two weeks later, I’ll study again for my third year. Hmm, third year.  What have I heard?  The only exciting part of entering third year is that there are only one group of people older then us, the seniors.  However, this idea won’t last very long and it might really suck being in the junior year.

I’m so tired, I’m draining.  My energy is all given to school and I don’t have any social life.  What’s my social life?  Zero, nothing, nada, rien.  Come to think of it, if I do have a social life, who would I spend it with?  Who are my socials?  Wouldn’t they be the same people I work with in school?  So there is clearly no difference because it would still be us and talking about school.

No matter, the moment I graduate, it would be me and Europe, IF I get the scholarship I’m aiming for. How stable are my dreams for the future?  Remember when I said that I would have my fortune told?  Well I did. And the fortune-teller just assured me that I will get what I want.  It’s vague actually.  What do I really need?  I know what I really really want right now, but it isn’t the same as what I need and how other people would be affected by my decisions.  Would it be okay if I just did what I want?

love song

February 14, 2008

This is currently my favorite song.   I have3 favorite songs of all time, but this is just my favorite song of the moment, it is really really nice.  It is entitled Love Song by Sarah Bareilles. Here’s the video and then the lyrics.  I hope you enjoy.

Head under water

And they tell me to breathe easy for a while

The breathing gets harder, even I know that

You made room for me but it’s too soon to see

If I’m happy in your hands

 

I’m unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages

No easy way to say this

You mean well, but you make this hard on me

 

I’m not gonna write you a love song

’cause you asked for it

’cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song

’cause you tell me it’s

Make or breaking in this

If you’re on your way

I’m not gonna write you to stay

If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better

Reason to write you a love song today

 

I learned the hard way

That they all say things you want to hear

And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and

Your twisted words,

Your help just hurts

You are not what I thought you were

Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you

Made me think that I need this too

I’m trying to let you hear me as I am

 

I’m not gonna write you a love song

’cause you asked for it

’cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song

’cause you tell me it’s

Make or breaking in this

If you’re on your way

I’m not gonna write you to stay

If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better

Reason to write you a love song today

 

Promise me that you’ll leave the light on

To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone

’cause I believe there’s a way you can love me

Because I say

 

I won’t write you a love song

’cause you asked for it

’cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song

’cause you tell me it’s make or breaking in this

Is that why you wanted a love song

’cause you asked for it

’cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song

’cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this

If you’re on your way

I’m not gonna write you to stay

If your heart is nowhere in it

I don’t want it for a minute

Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that

There’s a reason to

Write you a love song today

***

Don’t underestimate the song with its poppy tune and the weird video, it is actually bitter.  I’m not into Valentines when all the people were showing their love, why do you need a day to be able to show your love when there are 364 other days to do so? 

staggering a walk forward

February 13, 2008

Tomorrow is Valentine’s day, I’m not bitter, I’m cherishing the moments I’m single because I’m sure that the other half of my life consists of a significant other.  Therefore, tomorrow is appreciation day because every days that past by, the moment of having my significant other growing nearer and nearer.  I wonder when that will be though.

For some wacky reason, the Catholic of my school allowed fortune tellers inside.  Well, there are two fortune telling booths around school at this moment.  Maybe it is all because of this Valentine phenomenon.  So anyway, out of sheer curiousity, interest and just for fun, I decided to sign up for a time.  I’ve been dying to have my fortune read to me.  It is not that I believe this magic, but it seems that sometimes, they are acurate enough to at least give you a glimpse of the future.  But the future is still the future and whatever she would tell me can be changed depending on my actions, therefore, I’m still in control of my future, she might simply say something that might possibly happen.  I’m only concerned about 5 things though:

1) my family- whoever he is, I’m dying to know what you look like, how many rascals am I taking care of? are me and my parents and siblings very close?

2) my career- would i get that dream job I really really want? would i change the world?

3) financial stability- do I at least live comfortably if i did get my dream job?

4) my education- will I pursue my studies abroad?

5) travel- would i get to see the whole world?

Aside from this, all my other "things-to-do-before-I-die" wouldn’t mean as much. these are the only important things for me at the moment, maybe, in the future, it might change.  But take a look, in life, what does really matter?  What matters is what you feel matters, not what others make you feel matter (like getting good grades and feeling disappointed if you don’t).  I know these practical things matter, but would a life mean so much if all the things happening in it is just so to please the expectations of people around you?

I always have something against this expectation bit.  I’m always pressured to do things accordingly.  Come on, I’m probably the most "home-body" person in my family.  I’m the one who doesn’t always go out and spends my spare time studying.  I’m even going to study in the summer.  However, what I’m glad about this things is that their expectations of me are not really that important.  They feel that what is important is what I feel is important for myself.  It doesn’t stop them from giving guidance and advice, I appreciate it anyway.  The abovementioned 5 is what is important for myself. 

noelle decides to die

February 10, 2008

Have you ever read "Veronika Decides to Die" by Paolo Coelho?  This might actually be the best book I’ve read done by him, well so far.  I’m not yet finished though.  However, in the more than a hundred pages I’ve read, I felt something I’ve been hiding in my life.  I’m quite embarassed to mention it, so I won’t, but if you happen to read it, then you’ll understand what.  I often feel morality issues regarding that topic so I don’t pursue anything, I don’t do anything.  I’m still young and have all the idealizations I’ve created just so to escape from that reality that builds in my mind.  Is it sinful, or is it not?  I don’t know which to believe.  I’m not exactly a saint, but I’m no sinner.  How then would I face this issue that I can’t speak with anyone.  Not my friends, especially not my parents.  It really is embarassing and it might cause unnecessary grievances to anyone who might know.  They might feel ashamed as well because they keep it a secret too and I managed to extract something they’ve been hiding.  I’ve been hiding from myself too, afraid of the abnormality that this might bring up.

I really wonder, "why in the world?" but I just don’t do anything.  I stop before the need arises.  I guess I’ll just have to wait to get married. 

 

the reduced credentials

February 3, 2008

I took a risk, as I said before, and it paid off, I’m very glad to say!

Anyway, my life’s been a roller coaster this past few weeks.  I can’t sleep at night even though I have lots of time to do so.  I spend my nights lying on my bed for about three hours before the sandman descends on me.  Maybe I feel very worried about something that haven’t come out yet.  Maybe it’s some sort of premonition that I would sooner or later face.  Whatever it is though, it is quite troublesome.  I’m scared shitless.

I might fail this semester, a subject or two.  Hopefully though, not.  I was in my highest point of college life last semester, this semester made last semester look like a fluke.  I hope last semester wasn’t a fluke, I really did my best.  I’m still doing pretty good, but it is as if all my effort had been blocked now and that I’m not really doing my best to stay on top of my game.  Yes, I ran for council and that I’ve been learning things that I’ve never known before like jeepneys not having hand breaks (see, I listen in class) but it is not paying off! I’ve been an air head this few days, since the start of 2008.  My focus is loose.  My mind keeps on travelling to places unknown and I stare idle for long periods of time.  What is wrong with me?  Am I giving up?  Gosh, I hope not.  I still have two years to go before I graduate.  I still have hopes and dreams to fulfill while I’m in school.  I wish my idle moments would go away and I should make myself more productive than ever.  The feeling is really hard to describe.  It is as if time just flies by, and although I manage to do everything asked of me, I do the most mediocre job, as if just to get the work done.

I’m going to work really hard now.  I’ve got to get my momentum going and my focus clear.  Everyday should be worth taking note of.  Every moment makes me older and every circumstance I learn a lesson. I mean come on, I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t work just to be able to go to school, I don’t have anymore responsibilities than being the eldest sibling and being a student, why am I so caught up then??