static weaverings

For Me This Is Heaven - Jimmy Eat World 

The first star I see may not be a star
You can’t do a thing but wait
So let’s wait for one more…

And the time’s such clumsy time
I’m deciding if it’s time

I’m careful but not sure how it goes
You can loose yourself in your courage

When the time we have now ends
When the big hand goes round again…

Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?

And the mindless comfort grows
When I’m alone with my ‘great’ plans

And this is what you said gets her through it
If I don’t let myself be happy now then when?
If not now when
The time we have now ends
And when the big hand goes round again…

Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?

I close my eyes and believe
Wherever you are
Angel for when the time we have now ends
And when the big hand goes round again

Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?

******

This is the original soundtrack of my life.  It’s not my favorite song actually, but I think, in a way it captures whatever I think.  My favorite song is actually Kill by Jimmy Eat World but that song is just love sick, unlike this one. In my interpretation, the song talks about life in general, that sometimes we win, and sometimes we loose.  We, however, should never quit and continue on believing.  Carpe Diem.  Like life, there are moments that you would just like to end it, it’s cowardice.  What is heaven?  That’s why people kill themselves, to reach heaven, don’t they?  It’s ironic however.  Life itself is one big initiation that we must pass to know if we deserve to go to heaven.

Whenever the only choice is to give up, I listen to this song, "close my eyes and believe".

the pied piper

My life had been pretty normal.  I usually opt to become the member and I could be the best at it.  Sometimes, I’m the leader when I feel that things are getting out of control.  But I prefer being the follower because it is something I know I’m very good at.  I’m always on time, I do my work properly and my leader would be assured that the things he/she have me do will be done properly.  That is why I don’t know what got into me that right now I decided to run for candidacy in my college organization.  Even so, I’m planning to be a Vice-President in one of the organization’s subsidiary.  What prompted me to do it?  And I will win, I really want to win.

During my highschool life, I was, literally, nobody.  I was part of organizations then because it was required and somehow I’m known by most of my classmates, but still, I was nobody.  I was always the follower.  I never took control.  I never even became an Outstanding Student or simply a class officer, even the mere job of the Officer-of-the-Day.  Highschool didn’t even need class officers because you know that the class will still run and nothing will prevent the class from existing.  This isn’t even a niche similar to college organizations.  An organization is simply a small community which you really need to RUN.  There should be someone in command so that things will work out, so that the Vision-Mission of the organization will be practiced.  It needs maintenance and mere students are the ones who are handling it.  And out of sheer twilight or something, I decided to run for candidacy and be part of the council who keeps the organization in existence.

Highschool would have been a great deal easier.  I have no prior experience, no leadership credentials, but I know I’ll be able to do it.  What prompted me?  Destiny.

throwing rocks

I'm currently feeling the hardest semester yet in college.  Last semester was the easiest, no doubt, I should have been a DL, but this semester is too tough that I'll be lucky enough to get a QPI of a mere 2.5. That's an average of C+ for all the subjects.  I'm not even enjoying myself anymore, like the way I enjoyed the things that were happening in the first semester.  It is so frustrating really, and sometimes, I would really just like to drop everything, walk away and never come back.  But this decision is a decision of a weakling, which I hope I'm not.  My battle is my battle and even though I don't know what the long term effect these trials would do for me, I'm doing them anyway.

It's classless.  It is a weekend night, instead of going out or merely just relaxing in the comforts of my room, I'm writing notes for a research paper.  Every hour counts for me now.  I've even set my schedule from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep, as if everything is in pattern.  It is working out alright but I feel that it is not worth it anymore.

The world is coinciding against me, I feel it, and the only thing I wanted to do after I graduate is travel the world and at the same time help everyone I come across with.   And this stress I'm feeling is really not worth it.  When your boyfriend makes you tired, he is not worth it, right?  This just doesn't make me tired, it kills me.

step up the ladder

They said that this year would be lucky for me, I hope that it would be.  I didn't really plan on making a New Year's Resolution but it spontaneously happened, so I decided to just continue what I've been doing.

1) Read at least one book per week.

2) Don't drink softdrinks ( I don't really like them, but I drink them if I wanted my drink to at least taste something, I'm going to abstain completely) 

3) Avoid cussing ( I really despise myself for doing so.  Especially the "F" word, i hate it)

Oh well. I hope that I might be able to do these things, they are not that hard really, because I don't really cuss a lot and I don't really drink softdrinks a lot.  The book thing might be a problem but I love to read, so I might find a way to do it any way.

I'll turn 19 this year, my last year as a teenager.  I don't feel/act any older compared to when I was 15, rather, that is what I think.  I do hope that I will become a better person though. 

love under bridges

I'm a hopeless romantic.  I've read lots of novels with the theme love either it could be serious or young love, paranormal or marriage, it is still love.  I've fallen in loved in books, but I've never fallen in loved in real life, that's why I'm hopeless.  I often worry though, maybe I'll never meet someone.  Yes, I am still young and I am not really looking for a boy friend now, but when I'm older, graduated, will I be able to find someone?  Rather, if I do stumble into a relationship, would I get all giggly about it and feel whatever emotions I feel for the characters in books?  Would I be disappointed and be meticulous about everything?  Is there such a thing as soulmates? 

These questions throb in my head when I'm not doing anything.  Petty aren't they?  But sometimes, they bother me.  Could my decision to stay single throughout student life make me desperate?

Only God can grant me answers. I should be patient.

older by the days

It is the New Year, 2008! The year I want to get married but I won't because I'll only be 19 on the day I want to get married, 080808!  I'm actually addicted to the number 8 because I was born on the 8th of a certain month.  And 8 has quite some significance which is why it is my favorite number.  The number 8, when inverted shows the infinity sign; lasting, eternal.  The number 8 doesn't have a starting point and an ending point, it is continuous much like the love of God.

Anyway, resolutions?  They are as simple as can be.  No cussing, no softdrinks.  Is not much difficult to follow.

I was thinking earlier, what if I'm working already?  I want to work, I've been thinking about that, because I'll earn my own money but wouldn't it be hard?  If I work, would I be the one to pay for my car gas and clothes already?  Two items that my parents still pay for me.  These had me needlessly dreading graduating college, because I have to pay for some things that I need no longer want.  Hopefully though, my  parents won't be cruel enough to have my pay rent in my own room or pay my portion of the food.