Questions on Emotions

Who do you turn to when your friends are tired of hearing your displeasure with work?  If they’ve given their best to be there for you but everytime you send a text, it’s about dissatisfaction.

It’s funny, I’m not entirely dissatisfied, I simply dislike the superficiality of it.

Who do you turn to when you are able to combat the fear of expressing to your parents your dissatisfaction with work, and the response you get is less then supportive?  If it’s pessimistic and disabling?

Who can you trust with your emotions and feelings?  Who can be there to listen and not judge, listen indefinitely and support?

Is it God?  God is busy feeding the hungry, saving the oppressed, and comforting the marginalized.  Why would God spend precious moments listening and answering the emotions of a privileged woman who has more than most of the population?  I would love it to be God but I hate to bother her with nonsensical issues.

How can you feel calm and rid your heart of the gripping feeling?  From the moment I open my eyes until I close it, I literally feel my heart clenching with dissappointment, tightening with depression.

How do you fight?  How do you keep yourself happy and not feel guilty about it?  How do you maximize your potential without your ego being trampled upon at least once a day.  How can you avoid all the negativity of the world that makes you feel stupid?

How do you feel satisfied?

Are my emotions valid?  Am I spoiled, expecting too much, too idealistic?  Is there reason for feeling such devastation?  After all, people in my office had been in that line of work for decades and yet they are able to smile sometimes, they are able to carry on and stay patient.

Perhaps I’m just too impatient, possibly stubborn.  But I think I’m just too idealistic.

Simply because, everything is so pretentious, so superficial.  And feeling such a fuck most of the time is aging me beyond me 23.

SUBJECT: Letter of Resignation

XXX
XXX
XXX

Dear XXX,

This is the end of the road for me with XXX; I would like to tender my resignation.

In little over a year, I was transformed from a euphorically passionate individual whose naïve desire to change the world blinded me from reality, to a monotonous person who wanted to please and simply get the job done.

I promised myself that when the time comes that I work for work’s sake instead of pure passion, I would leave; thus, I’m departing because I need to rejuvenate my passion.

Working in development is still my passion, but I need to be doing it with my principles intact, my opinions grounded, and I need to be doing it surrounded with like-minded, grounded individuals.

Sure, each person from this team is grounded, but I cannot feel that burning sensation I once had when I was doing development work for free, with volunteers.  Perhaps, there goes the line.  I probably found more meaning when I did it with people who placed themselves in that position with no return in wealth.  Now I’m surrounded with a group whose staying factor is comfort.

I must be assuming.  I’ve only been here a year while the rest had been dedicating their lives for 10 years.  Perhaps in their youth, they were also filled with passion.

But seeing how I can become 10 years down the road is disheartening, therefore, I’m avoiding reaching such a state.  I live for life, I live for desire, and I live for well-being, for myself and for others.  I stress myself.  I define myself as me with family and friends, me with my hobbies and interest, me with my growth and potential, me with my career, and me.  To lack myself in the equation would be the death of my life, hence, what I live for.

–

Being with XXX has been the most challenging experience I encountered, and surely, I learned the most practical things.  I gained knowledge which I can use in continuing my career.  I had you, a commendable mentor, whose commitment and wisdom would be difficult to top.  My experience is invaluable and for being a grand starting point, I am indeed grateful.

We will cross paths once more, in this line of work, our network would certainly encounter each other.

Sincerely,

MMM

Escaping Sexuality

I’ve often wondered what my sexuality is, really.  Considering that I’ve never had a relationship, how would I really, intently and without a doubt, know?  Not all people reach a point where they question their sexuality, some might not be open to the idea of even asking, but at this point, and a bit older, I’m wondering for myself.

It’s not right though, if I question it; how is something that supposed to be natural, a sort of feeling, and an attraction, be questioned?  It’s not something you suddenly decide upon, there’s not reflection needed, is there?

I’ve long ago considered myself straight.  I’ve never been sexually attracted to women.  Sure I find them attractive, but the mere idea of going down there does not feel natural for me.  That fact alone will prevent me from actually engaging myself with another woman, in that sort of way.  However, I find that being in a more sincere, more psychological and emotional level of relationship with them is something I am attracted to, indeed.

On the other hand, the act itself is something that I am inclined to do with men.  My attraction to them is more physical really.  Unfortunately, saying that I am universally attracted to them is quite iffy.  Of all the men who have passed before my eyes, I would have to say that I’ve only found about 5 who I have considered attractive.

It’s also possible though, that I’m not really attracted to people easily, which is why I’m reaching a point of questioning – being contrary to my 2^nd paragraph.

Attraction, ultimately, is not actually given because someone happens to be male or female.  What I find more attractive could be the person themselves.  I find the personality, characteristics, and interests more attractive.  For lack of a better term, I should identify myself as pansexual, someone who is attracted to the person regardless of sex.

A Letter for My Future Partner

To my beloved,

It’s April 16, 2011, we have not met each other, but when we do, we’ll know that the future will be spectacular.

I am writing to you now because I want you to know who I was before we met.  At this exact moment, I am 22 and I consider myself mildly successful.  Mildly, because I had precious triumphs in college which allowed me to graduate far from mediocre.  Mildly, because I have sweet memories of my months away from home, discovering myself and the world, when I was volunteering.  Mildly, because I am doing exactly what I love, earning from it, learning, and paving a future brighter than ever.  Mildly, because I have a good family, and treasured friendships.  Only mildly, because I haven’t met you.

It’s quite astonishing to say that, no matter how much I am appreciating my life right now, something is still missing, you.

When I lie on bed at night, I have a smile because I am glad of who I turned out to be.  I am glad that I don’t need someone to complete me.  I am certain of what I want in life and how I would get it.  However, at the back of my head, at the core of my heart, an ache is longing for someone to share this with.

I don’t need a better half, I want a complete individual.  I want someone who won’t need me because I won’t need him, I will want him.  I choose to be with you because you choose to be with me, not just because you need me.  There’s a difference.

It’s funny, my beloved, because I don’t believe in destiny though I believe that among all these people in the world, there is still only one person you will choose to be with and will eventually end up with.

An ache is longing for someone to understand my insecurities, for someone to look beyond that.  I am longing for you who will trust me with your heart and with your life.  I want to tell my story, reveal my entire being, and I want to know yours.  I want to memorize your palm, feel your soft kiss, and lay my head on your comfort.

Before we met, I was happy and drunk on life, but I want you.  I cannot wait until I meet you, what is taking you so long?  How could it be that I know we will end up with each other, though we still haven’t met?

I love you very much, you know. 

How am I now?  I’ve always imagined myself as quietly affectionate, though as of the moment, I’m the least visibly emotional person I know.  At the present, friends know I’m single, close friends know I’m looking, a chosen few understand that I’m delusional with the idea of finding you already.

How are we now?  Are we about to get married, or are we in our 40^th anniversary already?  Regardless, I’m delighted that we are finally together and thank you for sticking with me and for your patience.  I am a handful sometimes, I recognize that, but your being with me makes a big difference, my 22 year old self is speaking.

It’s April 16, 2011, about half 11 in the evening and I am thinking of you.  We will meet soon, eventually, but before that, I’m going to collect more experiences so that when we do meet, I’ve got my stories, you’ve got yours, and we’re all set to make experiences together.

Forever yours,

missing

wow, i quite miss writing in the blog.  since the birth of my official blog, i haven’t really expressed my feelings here.  but this held all my college memories and feelings, wow. just wow.

who is strong?

i’m tired of people not getting me. not understanding my frustrations, my fears.  not concerned about how things should be, what i feel.  i am concerned about what everyone feels, sadly it’s not being reciprocated.

i’m a really weak person inside, i just display a strong image to get some respect. but deep inside, i’m always crying, keeping my posture, trying to be strong.

real or not?

“We can’t be lost, we don’t know where we’re going” - Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls)

If I had to list down everything I love in the world, one item would probably be “quick, witty remarks”.  I’ve seen the commercials when it was still on air.  It is a story of a single mother and her daughter, both of which are “quick and witty”.  It is filled with music, books and movies, which probably surround my life.  Travel is also present when Lorelai and Rory went in a European Backpacking escapade.  It’s humurous, it’s simple, it’s a show that would appeal to my sense and personality, which all makes me wonder, why didn’t I watch it before?

I’m currently in the fourth season, when Rory is going to college at Yale University.  Her experiences in her first year, or as a student in general, is making me reminisce of my 18 years of being a student, and more appropriately, my last 4 years which is college.  I’m still in college, but on March 26, all of it would change.  College is the best years of my academic, even non-academic, life.  I’m not sure if it is the school, if it is the crowd, or simply because of the fact that it is college.  It is here that I am experiencing a sense of independence, a sense of realism, yet a complete set of idealism that would be bringing me to my future career.

Upon entry to college, I had all of this imagination of how it would be.  I imagined big, auditorium-like classrooms (well we have a couple of this), professors in preppy clothes, and even students being all academic and snotty.  College, my experience, is not like that at all.  The big, auditiorium-like classrooms are only used on special discussions, professors wear football jerseys to show their fandom and students are all weird and high.  The best thing to say is that, my college imagination was shattered after my 1st semester.

However, the learnings I’ve acquired, and still am acquiring, is more than I expected.  My learnings are non-academic.  Things that I learned are those that are preparing me for the future life, “in the real world”.  It’s about talking with people, doing transactions, arranging stuffs, understanding politics, how the world goes, and so forth.  College is my real world already, it’s not the entire real world, but it is a real world.

daylights

My country recently experienced one of the most chaotic natural disaster through that Typhoon Ondoy.  Long story short, a lot of people couldn’t get home because they no longer have a home.  A lot of people died and flood, even 5 days later, are present.

A lot of relief operations are happening, one of the strongest is my school.  It’s very heartwarming to see all those people using their precious time in volunteering.  Instead of simply studying or catching up with school requirements, they went and volunteered in relief operations.  The work is very tiring but they do it nevertheless.  A true act of family in the Filipino community.

But, why does it take tragedies to happen before we realize that we are all in this together?  Why does it take a lot of lives, destruction before we begin to realize that we should work together in order to make a change?  Multiplication of loaves can happen in this era where internet is the main source of communication, where we hardly acknowledge our neighbors, where capitalism is everpresent, where greed and money becomes the center of our lives.

Why is it that evil has to happen for good to occur?

Considering though, there wouldn’t be good, a definition of “good” if there is not evil to counter it.  Philosophically thinking, evil is the absence of good, hence it only exist when there is no good.   Hence, evil is not needed for good to exist because it’s definition relies on good and the definition of good does not rely on evil.

Coming back to my main point.  The development of our country can happen if we put our mind to it.  We shouldn’t simply develop our country because something bad happened to it and we need to mend it, but we should make it better even when it is mended.

well of darkness

Today was very difficult for me.  One of our biggest projects was supposed to happen this afternoon, but we had to postpone it due to the bad weather.  It was a very difficult thing to do.  We tried not to postpone it, no one wanted to postpone it, but it needed to happen.  I couldn’t do anything about it.  My officers were looking at me for solutions, and I couldn’t provide any.  It was so difficult.  I should be the ultimate problem solver, but I was not able to solve the problem, so we simply had to postpone it.  I felt so down and helpless.

Since it got postponed, we had to went through all the trouble of making known to all the people involved of the postpone- ment.  We had to contact everyone immediately. All people involved were distrupted.  Everyone, from TV crew to the men of the water station.  It was so hard.

And then, some people are really just, argh. 

don’t need a time machine

“I go to sleep alone and wake up alone.  I take walks. I work until I’m tired.  I watch the wind play with the trash that’s been under the snow all winter.  Everything seems simple until you think about it.  Why is love intensified by absence?” - Audrey Niffeneger (The Time Traveler’s Wife)

It is not easy to get me affected by movies.  I am more affected by books, books have deeper impact, movies are a little light.  But The Time Traveler’s Wife is a book, and it is also a movie, so how am I affected by instances as such?  When I read the book more than two years ago, I was so touched.  The strength of the plot affected me for days after turning the last page.  It held be longing.

A while ago, I watched the movie, I forgot little details from the book so I enjoyed the movie.  I believe that how the movie was created from the book, the movie itself, would also affect me for days afterwards.  And maybe because I have been inloved with Eric Bana for quite sometime pre-Time Traveler’s Wife.

So anyway, what’s the point of this entry?  The point of this entry is that I’ve devised a new philosophy for myself so that I would enjoy movies-from-books more.  Books are books.  They are written, you read each word, you get affected.  Films are films.  They are filmed, you watch each scene, you get affected.  They are two different art forms that tend to portray the same story, but just the same, they are different.  A movie (from a book) would be better enjoyed if you watch it from a movie point-of-view, not from the book.

Hence, from now on, I would stop comparing movies from books.  Just to point, why would I watch a movie whose exact plotline I know already since I read the book?  There should be something different to keep it more interesting and to appeal to my untouched mind.

And since I’ve always been told that transitions are not my best of skills, I would then begin speaking of some other things, like back to the story of the movie/book.  It was really just intense.  I did shed a tear.  It made me believe that my own Henry would come someday.  He does not time travel, but he is in my future, both by destiny and choice.