who is strong?

i’m tired of people not getting me. not understanding my frustrations, my fears.  not concerned about how things should be, what i feel.  i am concerned about what everyone feels, sadly it’s not being reciprocated.

i’m a really weak person inside, i just display a strong image to get some respect. but deep inside, i’m always crying, keeping my posture, trying to be strong.

real or not?

“We can’t be lost, we don’t know where we’re going” - Lorelai Gilmore (Gilmore Girls)

If I had to list down everything I love in the world, one item would probably be “quick, witty remarks”.  I’ve seen the commercials when it was still on air.  It is a story of a single mother and her daughter, both of which are “quick and witty”.  It is filled with music, books and movies, which probably surround my life.  Travel is also present when Lorelai and Rory went in a European Backpacking escapade.  It’s humurous, it’s simple, it’s a show that would appeal to my sense and personality, which all makes me wonder, why didn’t I watch it before?

I’m currently in the fourth season, when Rory is going to college at Yale University.  Her experiences in her first year, or as a student in general, is making me reminisce of my 18 years of being a student, and more appropriately, my last 4 years which is college.  I’m still in college, but on March 26, all of it would change.  College is the best years of my academic, even non-academic, life.  I’m not sure if it is the school, if it is the crowd, or simply because of the fact that it is college.  It is here that I am experiencing a sense of independence, a sense of realism, yet a complete set of idealism that would be bringing me to my future career.

Upon entry to college, I had all of this imagination of how it would be.  I imagined big, auditorium-like classrooms (well we have a couple of this), professors in preppy clothes, and even students being all academic and snotty.  College, my experience, is not like that at all.  The big, auditiorium-like classrooms are only used on special discussions, professors wear football jerseys to show their fandom and students are all weird and high.  The best thing to say is that, my college imagination was shattered after my 1st semester.

However, the learnings I’ve acquired, and still am acquiring, is more than I expected.  My learnings are non-academic.  Things that I learned are those that are preparing me for the future life, “in the real world”.  It’s about talking with people, doing transactions, arranging stuffs, understanding politics, how the world goes, and so forth.  College is my real world already, it’s not the entire real world, but it is a real world.

daylights

My country recently experienced one of the most chaotic natural disaster through that Typhoon Ondoy.  Long story short, a lot of people couldn’t get home because they no longer have a home.  A lot of people died and flood, even 5 days later, are present.

A lot of relief operations are happening, one of the strongest is my school.  It’s very heartwarming to see all those people using their precious time in volunteering.  Instead of simply studying or catching up with school requirements, they went and volunteered in relief operations.  The work is very tiring but they do it nevertheless.  A true act of family in the Filipino community.

But, why does it take tragedies to happen before we realize that we are all in this together?  Why does it take a lot of lives, destruction before we begin to realize that we should work together in order to make a change?  Multiplication of loaves can happen in this era where internet is the main source of communication, where we hardly acknowledge our neighbors, where capitalism is everpresent, where greed and money becomes the center of our lives.

Why is it that evil has to happen for good to occur?

Considering though, there wouldn’t be good, a definition of “good” if there is not evil to counter it.  Philosophically thinking, evil is the absence of good, hence it only exist when there is no good.   Hence, evil is not needed for good to exist because it’s definition relies on good and the definition of good does not rely on evil.

Coming back to my main point.  The development of our country can happen if we put our mind to it.  We shouldn’t simply develop our country because something bad happened to it and we need to mend it, but we should make it better even when it is mended.

well of darkness

Today was very difficult for me.  One of our biggest projects was supposed to happen this afternoon, but we had to postpone it due to the bad weather.  It was a very difficult thing to do.  We tried not to postpone it, no one wanted to postpone it, but it needed to happen.  I couldn’t do anything about it.  My officers were looking at me for solutions, and I couldn’t provide any.  It was so difficult.  I should be the ultimate problem solver, but I was not able to solve the problem, so we simply had to postpone it.  I felt so down and helpless.

Since it got postponed, we had to went through all the trouble of making known to all the people involved of the postpone- ment.  We had to contact everyone immediately. All people involved were distrupted.  Everyone, from TV crew to the men of the water station.  It was so hard.

And then, some people are really just, argh. 

don’t need a time machine

“I go to sleep alone and wake up alone.  I take walks. I work until I’m tired.  I watch the wind play with the trash that’s been under the snow all winter.  Everything seems simple until you think about it.  Why is love intensified by absence?” - Audrey Niffeneger (The Time Traveler’s Wife)

It is not easy to get me affected by movies.  I am more affected by books, books have deeper impact, movies are a little light.  But The Time Traveler’s Wife is a book, and it is also a movie, so how am I affected by instances as such?  When I read the book more than two years ago, I was so touched.  The strength of the plot affected me for days after turning the last page.  It held be longing.

A while ago, I watched the movie, I forgot little details from the book so I enjoyed the movie.  I believe that how the movie was created from the book, the movie itself, would also affect me for days afterwards.  And maybe because I have been inloved with Eric Bana for quite sometime pre-Time Traveler’s Wife.

So anyway, what’s the point of this entry?  The point of this entry is that I’ve devised a new philosophy for myself so that I would enjoy movies-from-books more.  Books are books.  They are written, you read each word, you get affected.  Films are films.  They are filmed, you watch each scene, you get affected.  They are two different art forms that tend to portray the same story, but just the same, they are different.  A movie (from a book) would be better enjoyed if you watch it from a movie point-of-view, not from the book.

Hence, from now on, I would stop comparing movies from books.  Just to point, why would I watch a movie whose exact plotline I know already since I read the book?  There should be something different to keep it more interesting and to appeal to my untouched mind.

And since I’ve always been told that transitions are not my best of skills, I would then begin speaking of some other things, like back to the story of the movie/book.  It was really just intense.  I did shed a tear.  It made me believe that my own Henry would come someday.  He does not time travel, but he is in my future, both by destiny and choice.

one decade ago

“Old times never come back and I suppose it’s just as well.  What comes back is a new morning every day in the year, and that’s better.” - George E. Woodberry

 I miss old times.  The times when I simply hang out and read a book or listen to music I’ve never heard before.  I miss those times when I play the guitar or go to the gym or simply just stare at my white ceiling.  I miss doing nothing; I miss listening to the wind and doing nothing.

The last time I read a new book was during the Christmas vacation.  I opened new books but I can never finish it.  I can’t discover new music anymore.

And yet, I continuously say to everyone and to myself, I am enjoying everyday of my life.  I enjoy my position, my senior year status and everything else that goes with it, even if I don’t get to do things I privately enjoy.  All the new things I enjoy involve other people and I don’t have time for myself.

I sleep at 12mn and wake up at 7am.  The routine is sickening.

And yet, time goes by so fast and it is quite sad.

I haven’t had one whole weekend without going to school.  I miss my Saturday afternoons where I spend my time doing things I love doing. I miss last year’s routine.

—

My favorite book was made into a movie and it’s showing in theatres now.  I don’t know if I want to watch it.  The movie might destroy the essence of the book.  Another beloved book will be coming out in theatres very very soon.  Why is Hollywood destroying my books?

—

I miss Hey Arnold, Kenan and Kel, Dexter’s Laboratory, Clarissa, Arthur.  I miss casette tapes, senti music and the old VHS rental place at the corner.

—

“We can do some wrecking here, and find something to love in this broken place, in this broken place.” - “Wrecking” by Laura Veirs

—

I feel sad.

thorned rose

 ”You can’t play our broken strings.  You can’t feel everything that your heart don’t want to feel.  I can’t tell you something that ain’t real.”  - Broken Strings by James Morrison

In my everlasting effort to make my senior year, my last year of proper and required education, to be the best year of my academic life, I think that I am missing out on some important things, like my friends and even myself.

I don’t know how to feel about this.  I am trying to do a lot of things to make my future brighter, since my grades won’t probably be that spectacular compared to other people’s.  By doing a lot of things, volunteering for this and that, being assured that these things would be displayed in my transcript of records, I might be failing in another important aspect of life, and that is forging everlasting relationships.

However, I really don’t know how to feel.  My friends are there and they are not as busy as I am.  I can’t blame them for wanting to get out once in a while - make that very often - without me because I can’t seem to accomodate them in my schedule.  When I do accomodate them, I would have to suddenly rush things that needed to be done and this one makes me feel worse.

I used to believe my time management skills were at its finest because I’ve never crammed.  Yet I can’t really do everything that I would like.  Maybe if one day is longer?  Or maybe if I just let go of these things that I am doing?

It’s just it, I am so determined to make myself the greatest I can possibly be that I simply hope that people would understand that.

knowledge vs. purpose

“Knowing is not enough, we must apply.  Willing is not enough, we must do.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 I have been having my internship for one week now in Amnesty International here in the Philippines.  I would just like to say that it is not what I expected it to be.  I chose to do my internship in AI because I want to help the society, directly helping the society.  I wanted to be invovled.  What was I expecting when I joined?  I expected social interactions and demographic studies so as that I, along with a team, would be able to create plans and projects that would help the society and the specific sector.  I did not realize that what this organization does is helping the society indirectly, through campaigns and press releases.

Don’t get me wrong, I like what they do.  I like protecting human rights and it is actually important for the society to know what is happening so that they would be aware.  But coming from my perspective and experiences from my organization, it is simply not just awareness.  It is important that there is action.  Maybe campaigns offer people to really act on it, but I think it is better to offer a venue where interaction is possible.  There should be direct interaction so that you can see whether people are really acting upon the knowledge because of the campaigns.

I haven’t been here long enough to say whether or not there is direct involvement going on so I would stop commenting at this moment.

In other news, planning and working stage for my organization next year is under way.  Things are happening so fast that is quite difficult to grasps and take not of things already.

last one

I cannot begin to explain how much I hate being asked to do something…especially after mentioning that I am taking a break after 12 hours of study, and yet be asked to park the car in the garage, and me saying give me 5 minutes, that the insistence is intolerable so you do it anyway.  Then my intention of a 30 minute break evaporated, now I am off to studying for another 6 hours just so I won’t be disturbed.

I can’t wait to graduate and move out so that I can do whatever I want in my own time.

One more year.

bummer

I just finished two decades of my life, and only a handful greeted me.  I’m sorry if I long for attention in that area, but I am only human and I do tend to expect greetings from friends.

Maybe it is just really me who see the importance of a person’s birthday that is why I deliberately ask it and make sure that I am able to greet that person.